daydaythemogul's Blog

The Wilderness

They say once we are saved we are to be Christ like. We are supposed to think about how we treat people and how we respond to not only temptation but tribulation.

I used to think that the hardest task as a disciple was giving up sin but it isn’t. In my opinion, the hardest thing to do is love like God loves. It is consuming to love those who use and abuse you. Friends who you constantly think about whose mind you dont even cross. 

Everyday I am reminded of the valley I am in. I know that these times of tribulation are temporary. I understand who my real friends are now, and who are seasons. I understand peoples motives and their ulterior motives. In this, I also understand that I cannot allow them to anger me, but instead provoke me to pray for them and to forgive.

I am not the only child of God going through this. It is to my understanding that every TRUE child of God has either been through, going through, or about to enter their time of wilderness. Stay strong my brothers and sisters, stay strong. 

Can I keep the memories? (poem)

This is an emergency.
Your face is what my eyes can’t see.
I need you to be here with me….
I’m reading scriptures, im praying,
You’re on my mind, but its fading.
My worst fear is waking up to nothing
Cause I can’t remember anything.

So I get down on my knees
I cry out to the lord while im praying
Can I keep the memories?
Can I keep the memories?
Forgetting is easy, remembering is hard me.
To be absent from the body is present with the lord,
I know that but its hard to ignore,
The fact that each day goes by
I’m forgetting no matter hard I try.

I know you were amazing,
I know that you loved me.
I know no matter how crazy,
 you kept the family.
You provided for me and it made me cry,
Everytime, because for me you sacrificed.

 and now all that’s left…
Is some pictures on a shelf.
And the faith that I keep..
Knowing one day you’ll see me.
Again… In brighter way
Again… Trust me when I say
Again… Because Jesus died for my sins..
So we win.

But for now,
When the sun goes down,
And the happy facade fades away
I’ll use my imagination to temporarily numb my pain.

I’ll get down on my knees
I’ll cry out to the lord while im praying
Can I keep the memories?
Can I keep the memories?
Please let me keep the memories.
That’s all I have left.

House Arrest (poem by me)

By the year 2026, my son will be on house arrest,
The judicial system and law enforcement wont have anything to do with this.
The sentence will be sentenced by me,
Look at the rate our black men are dying.
So if I, have to be a judge, wear a big black cape,
To tell my son that he has no freedom to play outside, to keep him safe ,
Then I’ll be apart of the court’s supreme,
Making sure our black men aren’t extinct.

I’ll take him to the hospital with a white mask and white gloves,
So one day he isn’t shot six times with his hands up.
His diet will never consist of Arizona or skittles candy,
Because if you are a black man with a sweet tooth ,they see you worthy to be killed and forgotten by many.
He won’t even have the ability to flirt
With a white lady who looks nice
Because in this country, his life will be the price
We live in a land where the blacker the berry, the more bitter the hate.
Who knows the future evil that racism will allocate?
So I’ll be judge Melanin Brown, ordering every black man to stay in their house.
If they leave out the door, their life is good as gone
I’m tired of our people standing up and they try to convince us were wrong.
By the year 2026, my son will be on house arrest,
The judicial system and law enforcement wont have anything to do with this

Living With a Demonic Force

Although I am very honest and open, believe it or not I am very selective on what I choose to talk about.

I prefer talking about the things I’ve overcome rather than what I’m going through now, but due to the seriousness of this ongoing battle I feel the need to share this situation.

We always talk about supernatural blessings and angels watching over us, but we rarely speak about supernatural storms and demons working against us.

You know when you have a testimony so big, that you know it wasn’t anyone but the Lord? Well, sometimes the environment or the people around us can make us so miserable that it is nothing but the devil.

I’m what you would call a “new saint”. I wasn’t raised in the church, and I’m slowly learning how to properly use the power that God has given me.

 

Living with a Demonic Force

Not everyone can relate to this post, but many can. It is nothing worse than to have no peace in your home. The world outside your front door doesn’t make it any easier, you realize you don’t have peace anywhere.

I have felt this way my whole life until I got seriously saved. I realized that church is where I got my peace. Being back in Miami to these problems are consuming, but when I am in the sanctuary I feel at home.

Although church is where I get my sanity, the majority of my time is spent home, in the midst of some kind of demonic force. I had an epiphany today and I realize what I have to do to spiritually defeat this.  

I don’t go in to depth about any of this with my friends because this is a battle only the lord can fight. If you are dealing with a spirit if dysfunction, domestic violence, child abuse, rape, etc I’m going to tell you what you need to do.

Let GOD handle it

If you are living with a demonic force of some type of physical harm be smart about your defense mechanism. Yes I do believe in the notion “no weapon formed against me shall prosper” but that is not justification for you to be mighty mouse and end up getting knocked out.  

Allow God to have this battle because he can do way more than you can. Go somewhere safe, get on your knees, and pray. Then get your bible and read psalm 55, 56, and most importantly psalm 60.

Understand that the greater the valley the greater the testimony. Also understand that all great things take time. Your breakthrough may not be tomorrow, or the next day, but keep believing in God and he will use this storm for your good.

 

Genesis 50:20 New International Version (NIV)

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

Oh how I love that scripture… It gets me through and I hope it encourages anyone who needs it. If anyone needs prayer I’ll be more than happy to pray for them. If you dont want to let me know on here, you can let me know via email at DeshawnBrown93@Gmail.com

My Buddy in Christ

I won’t disclose a name but the person who this is for will know this is for him when he reads it lol. He’s pretty selfish so he wanted me to write a blog about him so I said okay jk lol.

It’s hard to live right and to fight temptation on your own, for me, almost impossible. We kind of got serious about being saved at the same time and it opened my eyes to a lot. One day I was just thinking and I was like “wow, we’ve both changed ALOT”.

If you are saved and you want to change your life and live for Christ I encourage you to not only influence as many as you can, but to also have a buddy system. I’ll refer to him as my buddy.

I don’t think people realize the impact on their lives that one can actually have. I could go on for days for all the mental barriers he’s helped me out of. I’ve never told him all the things he’s done for me and I won’t go in detail on here because its personal, but just know he’s helped me get out of the worst kinds of mindsets.

I’m going through a lot of stress in my life and having him to talk to makes me look forward to waking up in the morning. I’ve never been so open to anyone in my life, it’s kind of scary. That type of open where you’re not even sure how they perceive you anymore. For once I can finally be vulnerable without having second thoughts about it.

I’m a sap and a tad bit dramatic, but I am also honest. Lately I’ve been feeling like my soul is tied to him, its weird. Like, if I’m sleep I’ll wakeup right before he texts me lol, or he’s constantly in my dreams in some shape or form.

He makes me really happy despite the hell in my environment. If one day we parted our ways in life, I’d still think of him in my dementia. I’d probably have flashbacks in my final days demanding my grandchildren to find him lol. Hopefully that’s never the case, but if it is I would still wish him the best of life God could possibly bless someone with. Life would really suck without him though.

Lately I’ve been trying this whole love without conviction thing out. I really love him, and ya know, if it isn’t returned or unequalled well it’s just another thing i can pray out of.

I’m living for once, living honest, with my heart on my sleeve. Loving people to the point where it probably scares them lol. All I know is, if i died tomorrow, the people that matter most wouldn’t have to question anything because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I won’t have it any other way. (: 

The College Dropout

I’ve always loathed school. I remember the first time I started making excuses not to go to class. It was fifth grade, I would sell snacks on behalf of the Spanish club during math class. Yep, order of operations was too uninteresting and challenging for my taste, so the majority of the year I was doing something else.

Don’t get me wrong, I was pretty good in school. I was in the math club but I got kicked out because I had “too much mouth”, whatever. Anywho, I’m the type to that hated school and I never thought I belonged there.

You all can tell by my grammar errors and incorrect spelling that school is just not my forte, but I don’t believe I am alone. See the problem in society is that your intelligence is based off one type of system; education. Is the individual that can ace all math tests but cannot dance considered stupid? No. So why should someone skilled in dancing but doesn’t know math well be forced to take remedial classes?

For the longest I’ve always believed that I was stupid. I believed that there wasn’t anything for me out in the world because I wasn’t capable to be great.

It’s Not About What You Know, It’s WHO You Know

 

 High School was very scary for me. Not only was I advancing in a education system that I was not confident in, but I was entering a special school. I hated the inner city environment I was raised in, so I didn’t want to go to my assigned home school. Instead, I applied for a trade school where you can get your high school diploma and a certification in a certain field. 

High School was okay I guess, until senior year, that is. When I tell y’all they must’ve recruited these teachers from Harvard I ain’t lying. I had this one English teacher by the name of Mr.Gross who gave so much work it made me mad. His class for some reason was hard for me. Three days before high school graduation, they told me I wasn’t graduating.

Y’all know what’s worse than disappointing a mother? Disappointing a black mama in the hood. It’s something about black inner city mothers that every emotion turns into anger. I knew that if had I told her I wasn’t graduating, I would’ve had two black eyes and been in a wheelchair. So I didn’t tell anyone lol.

I got desperate, so instead of sitting in the front of the class giving academics my all, I figured I’d try the “work smart, not hard” approach. I ended up persuading them to allow me to graduate and I got a C in the class. Of course I didn’t do this alone, I prayed and had faith that despite my circumstances I’d graduate from high school. So they told me I would graduate high school they day before graduation. Whew, saved my neck and my back from severe pain lol.

College -_-

College for me was like “okay, lets make your life a living hell,  this is going to be the most heartbreak and death you’ve ever experienced and we want you to study 100 terms each night and NO EXCUSES… Have fun!”. I hated school and it was impossible to pass my classes on my own lol. My first two years I had some ghetto grades man, I mean for some reason school felt impossible to me.

 I was on academic probation two out of the three years I’ve been in college. Academic probation/GPA requirement is like going to prison and you’re out, but you can’t find a job. I mean I would go to soooo many interest meetings and just walk out as soon as they said GPA requirement. I felt like a convicted felon man.

Then all of a sudden, my grades had gotten way better, and my GPA boosted so much because I had a different game plan. I knew this was a time I had to work smart. So, I became my professors friend. It’s been classes I failed every test but have passed only because I made myself known in the class #network lol. Then it’s been times I’ve given a class my all and failed. So which route you think I’m going take?

Now I’m not saying give your teacher dap and not show up to class, but what I am saying is that they’ll try to help you if they know you. Give it your all, but also build a relationship with your professors. Brown nose, laugh at their corny jokes, stay after class, ask a question and tell them to have a nice day.

The Dropout lol

Now I know you all are probably saying to yourselves, “Unt un, why she giving me advice and she dropped out!”. Well, the reason I dropped out was financial and if I was to elaborate you’d be reading this all day lol. When I first realized I had to dropout I was heart broken. I wanted to graduate to make my family proud of me. Then I realized that nothing will make my family more proud than to succeed. You don’t need a degree to succeed, you just need faith and a great work ethic.

I’m in a weird stage of my life… The post “real world after college stage”. What is the weirdest part is that I don’t actually have a degree. That is okay though, I’ve been through way too much not to be someone. Through everything, God has given me hope and sanity.

Maybe I’ll become a pastor lol jk..well I don’t know. I haven’t gotten down the praise break yet. Whatever I’ll be, I’ll be good at it. I will make my family proud. I will make money for me, my kids, my man, and my tithes. #thatisall.

 

 

 

 

okay before I go, lately I have been using hashtags in my conversations. Is that annoying to y’all? If it is, I’ll stop #rightnow lol. I don’t know, I think it’s cool. Oh well, bye I guess lol.

 

Prosthetics (poem by me)

Our bodies are as God created them,
With men and women intertwined to create something whole,
Beginning with Adam and Eve.
God made Eve from the rib of Adam,
Knowing together they could be so much more.
I think of a child as the latter day Adam and Eve,
The mother being the soul, the heart, compassion, the body
The father being the confidence, the courage, the limbs to walk
I was born with no limbs.
No recognition of the confidence to ever love despite the compassion that was inside of me
Till one day, I received temporary prosthetics
These prosthetics weren’t perfect, but I didn’t care
I walked with a slight limp, loved oddly enough but at least my limbs were there.
But my limbs didn’t fully function, there was error,
My limbs unmercifully abused the body which left me in terror,
And from the abuse and misuse of the body i was confused
How can you support a body that you abuse
And then one day I woke up
I looked down and my prosthetics were no where to be found
For five years my prosthetics were loved without condition only to leave without a sound.
Sometimes it is better to never know what limbs feel like than to one day wake up, and once again, be without.
So I stopped walking.
I stopped loving because I had no limbs to distribute it.
Till one day I thought of God’s love for me
I opened my bible and began to make prosthetics for myself
And through my iniquity and transgressions God loves me and gives me the confidence to love someone else.
Now I use God as my prosthetics,
His were always on the shelf.
They weren’t as tangible as the ones I had before but they have infinite longevity.
Now I can love someone else.

The gift of Unconditional Love

Its always that one friend out the group who has the hardest time getting over someone. I mean seriously, some people know their guy\girl is a nasty ole dog and they love them anyway. It’s to the point that you don’t even take them seriously. “Chile, I left him. I know my worth. Girl I got somebody else” as you roll your eyes because you don’t believe them. Dont take their ability to love as weakness, it actually a gift. They may just be abusing it by letting the wrong kind have it.

 

I realized that the ability to love selflessly and unconditionally is not a weakness.

The ability to do these things are rare in the world we live in today, and should be embraced. Even if your powers are used against you (which will probably happen), it won’t defeat you. If anything, it will make you stronger. So love… Love hard. And if you are done unjustly God will handle it.

But wait, there’s more!

 Learn how to control your gift. Loving unconditionally is not something everyone can do. It is so rare that I consider it God given. Even though it is a God given gift, you have to control it.
Although Mike Tyson has the gift to fight, do you see him knocking out everyone who gets on his nerves? No. Want to know why? Because he has control.
He needs control because if he gave a piece of his gift to everyone, there would be consequences. He is selective in his gift giving, and knows only to use it when it will benefit him.
Apply that to your gift to unconditionally love. If you fall in love and love unconditionally, please do not give your gift to too many. Understand that you have to be selective because some people you love will not benefit you.
Love someone who needs it, love someone who makes you better, love someone who loves God, or who wants to love God. Better someone, but make sure they better you.
Please, if you know you have this gift dont   try to be a player because it will blow up in your face. You’ll be confused, you’ll confuse others, you’ll feel conviction from your multiple people love lol I dont know if that makes sense, but whatever.
Now listen, I am not a love guru, I’m simply talking about what I have felt and what I feel and how I deal with it.
I talk about love so much because… Well… I’m one of those unconditional love type of people. I am learning how to be selective, which is why I’m always alone lol but my solitude has purpose.
I’m character building, so that when the true love and I mean true love, not that baby “talking for ten years” stage everyone is doing, blossoms, I will have longevity and prosperity.
So, if you’re in love or you are just like me remember to be selective, careful, and think highly of your ability to love like God  does.

He doesn’t love me as much as I love him

 Unrequited love, something I am too familiar with. I’m the sappy puppy who loves to love people no matter how bad I am treated.

This unrequited love started at a young age. According to my mother, my father died from Cancer when I was three. When I got older, I realized things did not add up. First of all, he didn’t sign my birth certificate. When I asked my mom why didn’t he, she said it was because he was busy, he was in the navy. Also, my “father’s” side of the family looks pure African American and my mother’s side as well. How can I explain these curly roots and complexion?

I felt rejected.

So I never really knew my fathers side of the family because my mother had differences with them. Around the age of five my mom got into a somewhat serious relationship with a man named Chris. He took the role of being our father, even let us call him daddy. Being a little girl, that was everything to me. I finally felt like a man other than my grandaddy loved me.

It seemed as if we were one big happy family, but what seemed like love really wasn’t. Chris was abusive. He would physically abuse my mother and that was the reality. It wasn’t love at the time but it was all I knew, so I loved him like a father despite his flaws.

So from kindergarten to fifth grade, he was my father figure. Then my mother had gotten enough I guess, and they broke up and we moved out. Once they broke up, he stopped getting in contact with us and he got married to another woman a couple of months later. I felt rejected and unloved, but I still loved him.

So back to the “biological father”. When I got around the age of sixteen, my fathers side of the family reached out to my sister. They took her out, they introduced her to everyone while I stayed home wondering why they didn’t invite me. Wasn’t I his child too? Why wasn’t I invited? Do they know I exist?

They knew I existed alright. They didn’t claim me. Not even my “father”. I know my mother had good intentions by not telling me, but I felt more rejected than ever. I felt like no one loved me for some odd reason, and I was determined to find that love.

First time falling in love (face palm)

I was not in the right mind to be falling in love but it happened anyway. Due to unfortunate and odd circumstances, I will not go into detail on this situation. All I know is, is that I was so used to loving people who hurt me that, hurting me was all it took to win me over. Its like a held up a sign saying “OMG! HURT ME BABY, TREAT ME LIKE CRAP AND IM YOURS”!

Now, I know better. Unrequited love is nothing to toy with and as impossible it may feel to be delivered from, it is optional.

Once I found God, it made a world of a difference. Yeah, unrequited love is still possible, but with God I know that I can get over whoever is being toxic to me. We have to understand that God is our all and he can heal any wound man has placed on our heart. I’m complete now. And if I haven’t gotten my heart broken I would’ve never found God. So thank you, to the people who have broke my heart because you have saved my life.

You’re pretty for a “big girl”

I was asked to write about this topic and to be honest, I was hesitant. I was hesitant because I have heard many curvy girls speak on this before. I felt like it would be cliche for me to write about this but then I thought about it and I decided to speak on it.

 It doesn’t affect everyone the same

Okay so there are mixed signals on the saying itself. Some women hate it and some women love it. For example, back in middle school my MySpace name was BigGirlBeauty (face palm). It was at a time that I was proud to be the size I was and I felt I carried the label well. Now that I am older I realize that being “big” is not me, I do not call myself a big girl lol.

Be understanding.

Labels sadly exist. Too bad we can’t tell people that they’re pretty for a liar or pretty for a thief lol. If someone says “you’re pretty for a big girl” and you feel insulted, tell them. Majority of the time we are told that, we dont say anything.

Let the person know that it did more insulting than complimenting you.

Sometimes they dont have intentions on hurting your feelings, but they just do. Everytime I was told that, I looked at the person crazy and it ruined my day. Now I’ve learned to speak up and reject that as a compliment.

I also want to add that it is a label. the problem isn’t that they have called you pretty, the problem is that they have called you big. Some women are comfortable with the label, so it is a compliment to them. If you aren’t comfortable with the label, then my friend, sadly you’re going to have to change it. Who more qualified to give you this tough love than Ms.thickums herself? See I got tired of the label. So, I’m making small efforts to one day change it.

Being a big confident woman advocating for being overweight is not what I stand for. I am simply a beautiful young woman who unfortunately was exposed to unhealthy eating habits since adolescence and it is apparent in my figure. Not saying I dont love myself, but this body is temporary.

I love myself because I am beautiful. Not because I am beautiful AND overweight. I won’t embrace what I need to change. I think a lot of times people in the overweight community are too sensitive. Tough love and conviction are needed sometimes. (:

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