I wish I would’ve waited until I was married

I wish I would’ve waited until I was married

I really contemplated writing this blog but I know that somewhere there is someone trying to overcome the same issue. We have all heard of the phrase “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” but yet we still give our all prematurely. I say prematurely because it is required for us to be submissive, love like Christ loves the church and give our bodies to someone else but if you do these things too early you will find yourself suffering in the end.
I understand the importance of transparency in the body of Christ because we are all more similar than we think. So I decided to be completely transparent in this blog.
Now for the ones who truly know me, they are probably confused right now. When we hear things like “waiting till marriage” we assume that it means to wait to have sex until you are married. This is EXTREMELY TRUE but there are more things than sex that we ought to leave for our marriage.
For the past couple of months, I have found myself with a diamond ring on my left finger but yet I felt empty, lonely, unappreciated and unloved. Now understand that there is a difference between feeling and being. These are the things that I felt.  I told the guy that I was talking to that I had been feeling unloved and he needed to express to me more of his feelings. I got nothing. Now instead of me letting go what needed to be let go I found myself looking real psychotic sending paragraphs of texts, 4:00 a.m. calls pouring my heart out, and child just doing the most.
After all of this, I still got nothing. I found myself crying all alone for hours on end almost everyday for weeks. I had no peace.
For anyone who thinks I am crazy, I don’t blame you lol. But there are many women AND men who find themselves doing exactly what I have done. It is bondage. Love is not supposed to be bondage but if we do things out of God’s order than we find ourselves slipping  into this bondage.
So after feeling tired of being hurt and neglected I begged God to show me why I did not have peace. I had a series of dreams for a couple of weeks that all led to the same conclusion which was to let go.
At this point I was confused because i thought I had done everything the way God had wanted me to do it.  I am a virgin, I go to church, I pray, I seek God, so why did I find myself in this emotional bondage?
I don’t know about y’all but sometimes when God tries to remove things and people out of my life I assume that it is Satan being busy. I swore up and down my dysfunction was the devil trying to steal what God had given me. Instead, it was God trying to show me the error in my ways and reveal to me what I keep doing wrong when it comes to romance.
One night I had a dream. I was sitting on the porch and next door a father was disciplining his son. He had a dog on a leash in this hand and all of a sudden a girl jumped in front of the boy and said “daddy stop!” She ended up getting bit on her arm by the dog and when she got bit MY arm started bleeding even though I was on the porch.
I woke up so confused lol. I had no idea what that dream meant. Later on God had given me revelation of the dream. The father discipling his son represented God and the guy I was dating. I was on the porch because our relationship was long distance. The girl that got in the way represented all the times I poured my heart out trying to fix what God was breaking up. The reason why the girl got bit and I bled is because everytime I tried to go back to what he was trying to end I ended up getting bit because I kept getting in the way.
I knew at this point it was black and white and it was time to let go. I still was being goofy because I kept the ring on my finger. I made excuses like if I take if off someone is going to find it and pawn it or I don’t want people asking me what happen. But I had an important day that meant a lot to me and I didn’t even hear from him until I texted him and I knew that I was completely drained and done lol. So I took the ring off and I never put it back on.
Later on the holy spirit revealed to me that the ring was put on my finger prematurely. He also let me know that I had been trying to be a wife too early and I was out of order. He told me that the bible teaches men how they should love their wives and that anyone who knows the word knows how to love.
The problem is that I had been trying to be a wife too early. I put too much pressure on the man I was dating and I also gave him too much of me. The bible says ” a man that findeth a wife findeth a good thing” but yet I was a wife trying to findeth a husband lol.
Women, please learn from this testimony lol. Let a man find you. When it is God ordained and he is READY he will pursue YOU. Do not try to be the help meet and the head. Let the man do his part. Now if you find yourself in my situation and he is not fulfilling your needs after you have said what you needed a million times then pray for deliverance. You can not I repeat you CAN NOT make a man do anything he does not want to do.
Men, please learn from my testimony. If you find yourself on the other end and you have a woman who seems like she is putting too much pressure on you tell her. If I were you, I’d seek God because you could risk losing someone you really love in the long run. Ask God  to reveal the error in your ways and focus on God.
Somehow I got lost in my ways and I wanted a husband more than I wanted God. This is not the first time this has happened lol but it is the last. I know what READY love doesn’t look like lol so whoever God has for me will not be hard to identify.
I say ready love because just because someone hurt you does not mean they didn’t love you. It was just out of order and God needs to correct it. I’m glad that it took me months to let go because a lot of times we can’t hear the holy spirit and we find ourselves in relationships that God had broken up two or three years ago.

My life is all over the place but it is apart of the “God making me whole process”. Anyone who needs advice or prayer can email me at
DeshawnBrown93@gmail.com

Insecure saints: Is wearing make up a sin?

Insecure saints: Is wearing make up a sin?

If you guys don’t know, I am on a no make up no weave journey. It’s really just make-up but I decided to wear my natural hair out as well. I began wearing makeup when I first got to college. I was about 18 at the time. It started off with me wearing lipstick. I liked the compliments I got so I began wearing it every day. It slowly began to become addictive, because I couldn’t leave the house without it. Then all of a sudden I began wearing eye liner. I felt really pretty with it on and people really seemed to love my face when I wore it. So y’all already know I do not know moderation, so just like the lipstick, the eye liner became addictive. So instead of me realizing the problem, I added to it. I started drawing my eye brows on. I realized my eye brows were thick so I tried to trim them but instead I BUTCHERED them. At this point I had no eye brows so I was forced to draw them on. If I spent the night at my friends house, I would wash everything off but the eye brows lol.
So long story short, it had been almost two years that anyone had seen my face completely bare. At this point was self esteem was shot. If I wasn’t wearing makeup I didn’t even want to speak see anyone.
So lately the Holy Spirit had been telling me to stop wearing makeup. I ignored it and for a couple of weeks and I still wore it. But I realized that my low self esteem began consuming me. I would take the makeup off and feel so unattractive. I realized that the makeup became something that I made an idol and completely depended on. The deeper issue was why. I can’t speak for everyone my size, but as for me, I wore the makeup because  for once I felt as if I had a chance that I’ve never had before.
I’ve been pretty over weight for majority of my life. The make up gave me attention that I had never received before. I felt that without it, I wouldn’t stand a chance next to someone smaller than me.
It began being on my mind all the time. It also made it hard to date someone because I couldn’t seem to trust him. It has nothing to do with the guy, he’s awesome, it is because I had no sense of security in myself.
I got tired of feeling like that so I submitted to what God had wanted me to do. So last week Sunday I went to church and it was the first time I had went out in public with no weave or makeup on. It was sad chile. I was so nervous like I was going to preach or something. Someone called me pretty and I was shocked that they even found me pretty without my makeup on.
I realized the mental prison that the makeup had put me in. I also realized that I wore the makeup to pick up the lack in security I had from being the size that I am. So I decided to get the root. So I began praying for deliverance from the tainted mindset I was in, and I am going to lose the weight and the makeup.
It is a process, but I am beginning to like my face without makeup. And I realize I don’t need makeup to get a man or compliments. Any man that God has ordained for me will find me beautiful in whatever state I am in and without any conditions. As far as me losing the weight, that is because in all honesty obesity is not of God. Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins and he is healing me in that aspect.
So I was a little confused to why God had wanted me to stop wearing the makeup. I prayed and I asked him if it was a sin. I didn’t know whether it was a sin or whether it was something I had to let go because it became a god to me. I haven’t read the whole bible so I don’t know if there are more verses and stories about women in the bible who wore make up, but I found some. For example, one day I was reading about a woman named Jezebel in the bible. She was wicked and did evil things and a man by the name of Jehu came to kill her. So when she found out, she “painted her face”. I found it interesting that they would note that. It’s in 2 Kings 9:30
“30 And when Jehu was come to Jezreel, Jezebel heard of it; and she painted her face, and tired her head, and looked out at a window ”
Now using my discernment I honestly don’t think it is wise to follow the ways of someone evil in the bible. The book of revelations talks about the jezebel spirit. So based off common sense it is just not wise to do something that someone wicked in the bible has done.
Make-up isn’t natural. If it was, then we wouldn’t need it. Now when I look at old pictures with all that makeup caked on I noticed that I resembled a baby doll instead of looking human. I see a rise of everyone wearing makeup and I also see a decline of women who have self value and realization of their worth. It is taking a lot of me to adjust to letting make-up go but God’s grace is sufficient.

If anyone needs prayer or advice you can email me at DeshawnBrown93@gmail.com
Instagram: Deshawnshanice
Twitter: Daydaythemogul

Insecure Saints: Is abortion child sacrifice?

Insecure Saints: Is abortion child sacrifice?

So before I even begin to elaborate on this issue, let me start by saying that this was written out of a place of love and obedience. This topic is very controversial and debatable but the God I serve is more important to me than my adversary or anyone who disagrees with this blog.
When this was first placed in my spirit to write about, I was a little hesitant because of how much abortion is being practiced not only in this country, but by many of my friends and family. But hey, call a spade a spade. The truth is the truth and tough love is needed sometimes.
So I guess by the tone of this disclaimer you could already discern what my view on abortion is lol, but I’m going to back it up with some bible so y’all don’t think I’m trying to make anyone feel any less of themselves.

Another disclaimer for y’all boys lol: I am not writing this to condemn anyone. Understand that there is a difference between condemnation and conviction. If you feel convicted or guilty from this blog all you have to do is repent and make an effort to never do it again. We all have our vices, so do I and I have to repent for something like every five minutes lol God  is working on me.

Okay so I have been led to read books from the old testament for some reason. Chile the old testament had it going on. But anywho, I’m now reading the book of Ezekiel. Basically, Ezekiel was a prophet that was sent to tell the people all what was going to happen to them because they had not turned from their wicked ways. Now this blog is not about the book of Ezekiel, but something stuck out to me.
It was Ezekiel 16:20-21
“20 Moreover thou hast taken thy sons and thy daughters, whom thou hast borne unto me, and these hast thou sacrificed unto them to be devoured. Is this of thy whoredoms a small matter, 21 That thou hast slain my children, and delivered them to cause them to pass through the fire for them”
In a nut shell this is exposing one of the many abominations that the people of Jerusalem had committed which was child sacrifice. Now I am going to connect it to abortion.

Okay so abortion is the act of killing an unborn child. We have to look at why one would choose to have an abortion and that is because they have idolized something or someone in their life.
For example, If you idolize  men and make them your God, you will do everything a man asks you to do so that he stays. Instead of trusting God to provide you a man, you idolize the men and trust their methods and your works instead of God’s. Now this man that you done broke all the commandments for got you pregnant. He says that he will only stay if you get rid of the child. So you have the abortion and you haven’t realized that you’ve made that man your god and you have sacrificed your child for him.
Some people idolize the sex itself. They make sex their god. Instead of relying on God to give them joy they use sex as a way to escape all the hell in their lives. They become completely dependent on it for happiness, love, and money. Now, you’ve gotten pregnant. You know that if you keep the child, it will become more difficult to maintain your sex life.
Now you have have gotten an abortion and use birth control so that you will kill your seed without the guilt.

I know that was a lot for some of you to take in but the good news is that Jesus has made it available for our sins to be forgiven. If you have done this, repent and understand that God loves you and your seed. If you are thinking about aborting your child, please don’t. Your child may have a great calling on their life and God will give you the grace you need to take care of your child if you ask him to. I know this wont get a lot of praise or likes but if this just reaches one person and opens their eyes then I will be satisfied.

If you have any questions or need prayer for anything you can email me at Deshawnbrown93@Gmail.com

Am I going to Heaven or Hell?

Am I going to Heaven or Hell?

Have you ever heard someone ask if you died today, would you go to heaven or hell? What would your answer be? For awhile I honestly did not have a clue myself.
Before I begin to elaborate on my journey to salvation, let me begin by saying that joining  membership of a church by walking down an aisle is NOT receiving the eternal gift of life. You can be saved anywhere to be honest. Receiving salvation is more than just deciding to join the church one Sunday. It is something that you actually say AND believe in your heart.
It is in the bible in Romans 10:9-10
“9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. 10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. ”

When I was on my way to hell :\

I know the subtitle sounds a bit irrational, but it really is the truth. For the first 21 years of my life that is where I was going to go. I joined the church at 16 but I was not saved until 21. I was even baptized at 16 but I wasn’t saved. Now I know it is confusing for some of you reading this, but hear me out.
Okay so understand that according to Romans 10:9-10 in order to receive salvation we must do TWO things. We must CONFESS with our mouth the Lord Jesus and BELIEVE in thine heart and we shall be saved.
For my whole life I only did step one. I prayed to Jesus, I sang about Jesus, I even talked about Jesus, but I did not believe in my heart.
I was blessed enough to enquire my salvation and have God answer me before it was too late.
The evidence of my unbelief was the fact that I was not sure if I was going to Heaven or Hell. I did not have any clue on what grace was and although I had the knowledge that Jesus forgives our sins, I just didn’t believe that mine were forgiven.
I would always wonder if I was going to Heaven or Hell.
It bothered me so much that one night I prayed to God and I asked could he show me whether I was on my way to Heaven or Hell.
Keep in mind my prayer was driven by a misunderstanding of Gods grace, my unbelief, and what Jesus had done for us.
So that night I had a dream. I got shot and it seemed as if I “fell asleep” when in actuality I died in my dream. Once I died, I was transferred to a house with dim lighting. There were fire torches on the wall and I was laying on the floor. I saw three figures (I doubted they were human) dressed in all black robes come toward me. They grabbed my arms and I began to sink underground. It was that moment I knew that I was going to hell. I cried to God and said “why is this happening???” And I heard a voice say “you did not do enough”. I woke up real scared Chile, but it was not a nightmare but an answer to my prayers.
Redirection

At the time I had the dream, I was enrolled in college and I was indulging in drinking, smoking and just plain foolishness to be honest. I thought that stopping those things would get me in to Heaven so I stopped smoking and drinking. I thought I was on the ball. Till one night I had yet another dream. This time I died again, (God knows how to get my attention lol) and I was in clouds. The clouds were pink, purple, and  white. I was soaring toward what looked like a beautiful gold gate. Right before I got to the gate, something dark pulled me down and I woke up. So now I’m just TOO confused. I mean, I thought I was a good person, I stopped smoking, drinking, I prayed, so what am I missing now??!?!?! I figured it was my use of profanity lol, so I stopped cussing and I decided that I needed to get active in church.

So now I’m all “holy and sanctified”, or at least that is what I thought. Let me tell yall how I had ANOTHER dream. This time I was in a Chrysler 300, and I drove past an intersection and someone crashed the car while I was in it. All of a sudden, something light had my right hand, and something dark had my left. They were at a tug-o-war and I woke up before I could see who had won.
Now at this point God was screaming at me the answer and I was still slow. I didn’t get the full revelation of that dream until a minister interpreted it for me. Basically the tug-o-war represented the fight for my soul between God and Satan. I took me a couple of months of fasting and prayer and one day I received  salvation by watching a program on TBN. Thank you Jesus for TBN lol.

The reason I wasn’t saved was because I thought my works could get me there. Works are the things that we do. I thought that giving up all of those things would get me into heaven instead of believing that Jesus died for my sins. It says it in the bible in Ephesians 2:8-9 “8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.”

Now understand grace is not the justification to sin, but to get to Heaven. Sin is just nasty and wrong and it is something that we should stay away from. But because Jesus died for our sins, we have the ability to go to heaven. I know it sounds too good to be true but that is the loving God that we serve. The fact that he loved me enough to make sure I received salvation is enough for me to give him glory for the rest of my life.

If anyone needs prayer or advice you can email me at
DeshawnBrown93@gmail.com

Update

Update

Due to my isolated state, I am not surprised if I am forgotten by everyone lol. Just reading these blogs from the past few months has marveled me ( not sure what marveled means but I thought it would be cute to use) lol.

Since my consecration, I have been able to hear Gods voice even more and a lot of uh….. “things” have been happening to me. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me this upcoming year and I am excited to share with you all :)

mental peace

mental peace

Honestly, this blog is like my emotional checkpoint. The inspiration for each blog is me. That is why every blog I post is so detailed, because it reflects exactly whatever life lesson I’m learning at the moment.
I’m at a good place in my life. I mean, my circumstances are still not at my liking, but I have mental peace.
Seriously speaking, this is the worse circumstance I’ve ever been in, but this is the most happiest I’ve ever been. It’s so ironic, but true.
Now when I look back at those high school/college days where I let the smallest issues depress me I laugh. I had everything. I had  my complete family, health, money, friends etc. Now that all of those things have almost all been taken away, I have more peace without them.
Don’t get me wrong, it is not the absence of those things that has made me happy. In fact, when I lost everything, I went in to a deep depression. I am at a place in my life where God is really all I have.
You’d think that I would feel horrible, but I don’t. I really began to seek God in everything I do and it has paid off  mentally, physically, and emotionally.
Studying God’s word through my tribulation has given me hope. I read stories about men in the bible like Joseph and Job, who had to go through the most but ultimately became triumphant.
The bible is really a life guide and a manual. I wish people really read the bible instead of memorizing certain prayers.
Praying also works wonders. If I feel depressed I pray for revelation and assurance and I receive it.
Now I am no irrational bible thumper, I am simply someone who had no option but God and gave him a chance. Giving my life COMPLETELY to God has been the best decision I could’ve ever made.
Humble beginnings is my reality for now, but when my breakthrough manifests from my faith and God’s grace, you all will be motivated to try God too.
So if you’re in a season, or maybe your while life has been turmoil, try giving your life to God whole heartedly, and watch him mend broken hearts, replace what you’ve lost, and make you whole.

If you need me to pray for you, email me at deshawnbrown93@gmail.com

Why do I feel so unappreciated and unloved?

Why do I feel so unappreciated and unloved?

Ever felt unappreciated? Like you’d lay your life on the line for people whose mind you barely cross? I wish I could tell you that it is all in your head, but I can’t. The reality is, that just may be the case.
All human beings are different. Which means our emotions, priorities, needs and wants are not the same. I had to learn this for myself. I am in a transition phase in my life. I am seeking God’s purpose for my life and it has left me at a stand still with a lot of things from  my old life. I realized that when my priorities changed, others priorities stayed the same. I also realized that some of the things or people I prioritize do not prioritize me. It is something that saddens me from time to time, but as each day goes by I remind myself I cannot be distracted

Between trying to find my calling, work on  my health, maintain friendships, decipher who to let go, love myself, love someone else and discipleship, it has gotten to be almost overbearing. Many who read this wont even know what I am talking about, but someone will. When you are in a true transition from an old life to your called life you are literally ripping yourself away from what you knew during your entire existence.
When you are going in the direction that God wants you to go, the devil will do anything to distract you. If he sees that he cannot hurt you through monetary or material possessions, then he will move to your weakness.
My weakness is love. It is so ironic that my weakness is also my strength. When I love something or someone, they have the ability to encourage me to move mountains but they also have the power to discourage me to feel helpless. Yesterday I found myself crying on the floor at a breaking point. It wasn’t because of the lack of money or education, not even the status of my employment. I found myself at a rock bottom because I felt so unloved and unappreciated. In all honesty I felt as if there was no one on this Earth that ever made me an important factor in their lives and to everyone, I was just an option. If you are reading this and you have ever felt like this, I am going to keep it real with you.
If you feel like that, then that is probably the reality. Does that mean you are a bad person? No. Does that mean that you are unworthy? No. Does that mean you won’t ever be a priority? No.
What we must understand is that God has to be our priority. We have been God’s priority since the beginning of time. He sent his begotten son to die on the cross for you and I to be rachet and reckless and have the ability to repent for it. It sounds so cliche but if you can just let go of those people that don’t give you that attention you long for and give it to God, you will be so happy you did.
I mean really, I am learning to let go of people. Does that mean I hate them? No. Do I love them any less? No. But I had revelation and I realized my faults. Rather than waiting for mama, cousin, boo thang or my friends to comfort me I could be finding my comfort in God.
Keep in mind I said learning, because this is something I struggle with, and this is a lesson that I learned not even 24 hours ago. I told myself that from now on I am putting God as my priority. I cannot rely on man because it leaves me disappointed everytime. It saddens me but it doesn’t defeat me. I hope that you are not only encouraged by reading this but reminded. Reminded that you cannot be distracted by spiritual attacks and that you have purpose and prosperity waiting for you at the other side of this small test. Be encouraged.

life is hard, if you would like me to pray for you or if you need someone to talk to feel free to contact me via email at deshawnbrown93@gmail.com