Single and NOT ready to mingle

Its been a long time since I’ve posted a blog. Since the last time I was here I got engaged  AND called it off. I titled this blog single and not ready to mingle because I reflects the stage I’m in.

Usually when relationships end, people always ask what happened and usually depending on how unhealed we are we will give them details instead of the root issue. For instance we say things like he/she cheated on me or he/she didn’t have time for me.
When the engagement was over that was me. I was giving details with a hint of discretion to keep integrity but it was still details none the less. I didn’t realize that those issues we faced in our relationship were rooted in both of us trying to love without being healed.
I’ll make it plan with a parable, say for instance someone has the flu…. If they really love their child, are they going to interact with the child knowing that they could possibly make the child sick too? No. They will wait until they are healed and healthy and then begin to proceed.
What I realized from our relationship ending is the diagnosis of my soul. My years were filled with pain and abandonment that I could not fathom someone loving me so I settled for whatever treatment seemed to be decent.
At the same time, I did not trust anyone. Which led to me unable to give someone my all in a relationship because they had to deal with my paranoia and my toxic imagination.
When I called the engagement off I had never felt so empty in my life. I was so disappointed in myself and shut down from everyone. I have friends who love me dearly but for some reason I refuse to call just because I don’t want to bother them with my issues but God has been convincing me on isolating myself.
I wake up in the morning to pray and I find myself checking old emails and messages to see if ill find something new but nothing ever shows up. Then I repent to God for paying attention to a man rather than paying attention to him in prayer.
I have my days where I cry myself to sleep and ask God to have mercy just to get me through the day.
To many of you might say  I am “talking too much” or “putting my business out there” but the bible says that we over come by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. If the church was as transparent as the world can be maybe we would have more conversion.

Because while I am crying at 5 am, I am pleading the blood of Jesus to crucify  my mindset. While I am on social media, I am asking God to make my soul loathe idolization.
While I am depressed and mourning I know it is because an alter is being torn down and that the suffering is the Lord putting a distaste in my mouth for an ungodly mindset.
Every tear I cry and every affliction I feel is prayers that are being answered. I asked the Lord to take away the unholy thing from my mind and this is what I have to go through to be whole.
For the bible says, MANY are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord God DELIVERTH him out of ALL.

I got myself in this pit from taking my mind off God and focusing too much on a man. God rather chastens me on earth than to hear my soul cry from the pit of hell when its too late.
My mindset was demonic and as much pain as my former fiance inflicted on me I did the same to him.
Our relationship used to be Christ centered and then it became us centered and our vocabulary and actions became unholy before God.

This process is not easy. I have days where I have to turn my plate down, pray and beg God to hold me. The is what deliverance looks like and this is why it is imperative you never let hurt, pain, or pleasure take your eyes off God.
I loved my former fiance so much but because I chose not to fully commune with God first I didn’t receive the healing that needed to take place for the relationship to be as impactful as it should have been.
When we were casually dating, we would pray and praise God on the phone for hours,  read our word, was strict on affection and then it went left.

Im in a great place of reflection. Im seeing exactly where the enemy came in and I am keen to his tactics.
Now when I think of my ex its not from a standpoint that I am desperate for him to love me.
In prayer I renounced the oath he is my husband and soul mate (because you can’t make oaths like that while casually dating its dangerous) and I ALSO broke oaths he has said out of his mouth saying that im the only woman he wants to marry.

Some of yall probably read that like huh? O.o but the reason I broke those oaths is because as much as I want to be free and healed I want him free and healed too. That would be so selfish of me to pray him out of my system and not pray me out of his. Even though I am breaking our soul tie I still genuinely love him as a person and I know he deserves to be as happy as I desire to be.

Bottom line is, keep God first.
When you look at me, you’re looking at a crucified woman lol.
IF the Lord EVER permits me to be in a romantic covenant again im going to be SOOOOOO careful lol. This process hurts y’all. But God is being glorified while im crucified.

A prayer for restoration

Lord I thank you for your word.
I thank you for the ability to be able to pray
I thank you for the standard you have called your children to live by
Lord, I ask that you charge your angels upon me
The angels that we have access to because we have joint inheritance with you according to your world
Lord God I ask that your sovereign heavenly will be performed in my life.
I plead the blood of Jesus to flood my ears and my mouth and to enter my heart and soul as it drowns the ungodly heart that is not of you.
I loose the hold of satanic thinking and relationships from being yoked around my neck in the name of Jesus.
I bind the revelation and discipline of Jesus Christ in EVERY area of my mind in the name of Jesus
I rebuke Idolatry, I rebuke lust, I rebuke depression and I bind your works in Jesus name
As you all are binded I take back the spoil of consecration, I take back the spoil of a promise of Godly marriages I take back the spoil of Good heath and I cast you in to a dry place that you enter no more in the name of Jesus
I decree and declare I am whole
I decree and declare I am free
I decree and declare the blood of Jesus has redeemed me
I decree and declare I am loved
I decree and declare I am trust worthy
I decree and declare I TRUST

And I thalnk you Lord for your redemption power being made manifest in EVERY AREA of my life,
AMEN.

Any specific prayer requests or questions email me at
Deshawnbrown93@gmail.com

Instagram: Southernbrownbelle

My First Kiss

I titled this blog my first kiss because im going to talk about my first kiss and what it did to me. But before that let me just elaborate on what I’ve observed from love in today’s society.
We are the microwave generation. We want everything fast. Back in the day it took time for relationships to manifest and it took time for them to end. The generation before us really valued marriage and the idea of “till death do us part”. This had a lot to do with their upbringing and decorum.
These days we do everything too soon. We have sex with people we dont even know and then we try to get to know them. We get married only to end in divorce a year later. The microwave generation: Get it quick to lose it quick.

My love Life

I grew up socially awkward to many. I wasn’t the girl who had all the guys begging to be with me. It was actually the complete opposite lol. All of my friends had boyfriends and I was always the single one. When I was in middle school that’s when everyone starting “dating” (peep the quotations). Everybody had their lil boo BUT me. I figured it was because I was overweight but then I would see overweight girls getting play too…. So I was just all confused. This left me feeling very unattractive and low about myself.
Nevertheless it didn’t bother me too much in middle school. I was really shy and in the back of my mind I knew I was too young to be romantically involved like that.
So now fast forward to high school. Chile, I didn’t know what to do. I had never been around so many men in my life. The plus was that they were straight out of puberty so I just knew what time it was. But it seems like none of them knew what time it was lol. Now that I was open and feeling ready to start dating I couldn’t find anyone to pursue me. Now this really began to bother me and my self worth. I began to feel like something was seriously wrong with me and I felt hideous.

Fast toward to college lol. Okay NOW im gone get some play…well, not really lol. It was very difficult for me to process what was happening. College is where I realized I was the below five percent of the generation that was still a virgin after 18. And I had so many rules I felt too strict for anyone lol. This was one of the first times in my life that guys looked at me and pursued me . But it was all for the wrong reasons. I had made up my mind that I was going to just buy cats because I was real confused as to why no one thought I was worthy to be in a relationship instead of using me for fleshly pleasure.
I wanted a boyfriend but I always knew that I wouldn’t date him if he didn’t want to marry me. KEEP in mind my wording. If HE didn’t want to marry ME. A lot of us women date only if we see ourselves marrying them… But what good is wanting to marry him if he doesn’t want to marry you? It was ONE of the strict rules I had but it was one I always vowed to stick to.

So after ten thousand years I finally was going into the “talking stage” with someone. Yall just go ahead and whip and naenae for me right quick. But now my issue was kissing. At this point yall can just put two and two together that I had never been kissed lol. Who was I gone kiss lol.
We started “talking” after I left college. We were the best of friends since high school but we both found God and fell in love with each other. We had a long distance situationship for a while and this was all new for me.

My first kiss

Now of course I tried to keep my never been kissed a secret. It was something I was embarrassed of. I mean at this point im in college and still had never kissed anyone. I feel like some of my friends picked up on it and never said anything lol. Shoot, I had never even had a man for real lol. People would ask me how many boyfriends I had and I would be like…. -rubs chin- two. (meanwhile I was lying)
Then one day my friend squinted her eyes and asked me how many people have I ever kissed and my answer was so dumb you can tell I lied. I was like uh……-rubs chin- like 2.5 because I don’t count one of them as a real kiss. She looked at me like bih please lol.

So now it was time to go and visit my lil man I was talking to. I went to Tallahassee to go see him. This was the first time we were in person while romantically involved with each other. Things were moving kind of slow. Like I said, I had never had nobody for real so I was extremely shy when it came to affection. Only thing I knew was sit next to your crush at church so yall can hold hands when yall pray.

I was only there for a week and I was waiting on the kiss everyday. I wanted it to be perfect. I had to have brushed my teeth like 5 times a day brushing my tongue real hard to make sure my breath was minty fresh. I was so paranoid that he was gone kiss me at any moment so I would gargle my juice in my mouth just incase I didn’t have access to my tooth brush.
But nothing like that happened. We hugged and cuddled while watching tv but no kiss.

Now its my last day in Tallahassee about to go back to Miami. We were spending time together before I left all boo’d up. I had given up on the idea of kissing so I had a vegetarian buffalo chicken sandwich with pineapples and black cherry seltzer water. Do you believe this boy kissed me -.-.
I wasn’t ready. I ain’t know what I was doing…. I felt like my breath was stank I was so embarrassed. It wasn’t even romantic. We had done been on a whole date night and he waits till we at the house chillin when im ragedy and my mouth wasn’t clean.

The After Math

When I had some alone time with God the Holy spirit told me he wanted me to wait till marriage to kiss. I could understand why. Once I did I realize I wanted more. And feeding in to that kind of craving wasn’t gone have me nothing but pregnant lol.
After a while we became a couple. Real official had done told our mamas and put it on facebook. God had wanted me to tell him how I had never been kissed or had a boyfriend and how I had to wait to be kissed till marriage.
When I saw him in person again I only told him how we couldn’t kiss until marriage. I thought that he wasn’t going to take it well but he just looked at me and said okay. Then a couple of months later I told him how he was my only boyfriend and kisser lol and he said “wow that’s cool”.
I felt very embarrassed and lame but he reacted the complete opposite. He thought it was cool I had never been with anyone and he reacted very positive to it.

Now I ain’t gone lie, I fell short of the glory and kissed him again after the first time but I repented for it and I kept it moving. I’m really trying to follow Gods way in this and I need all the prayer I can get lol.

Now I know some of yall are like well Deshawn its not a sin to kiss before marriage. Yall are right BUT this is why it is imperative to have the Holy Ghost.
God told me not to do it and I cannot disobey him. He knows me better than I know myself. I’m the type to OD on something I like. And if I OD on kissing that ain’t gone do nothing but create a fleshly desire that’s too strong for me.

For anyone who is wondering, I had my first boyfriend and my first kiss at 21. Yes…. That is shocking and impossible for some of you. But in reality, I wish I would’ve keep my first kiss till marriage. If there is any girl or guy out there that is trying to fit in with what anyone else is doing, dont. Stay true to yourself and be the light of the world by being a example of being your own person and not fitting in to anyone else’s standards. For a long time I was too embarrassed of myself but now I am proud

Have I become a saved hypocrite?

It’s been a while since the last time I have posted a blog. I have been going through a lot mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I needed a little time to clear my mind and prioritize which left little room for me to post anything.
During my break, I have realized that the difficulty of my walk with Christ had been heightened. I began to compromise the word of God with my lifestyle, vocabulary, as well as the advice that I gave people.
When I first got saved last year, God spoke to me clearly and told me the things to stay away from.
Well, about a year later, I found myself doing all the things he said don’t do.
It was from a “why me” mindset that led me to rebel. God called me to read a lot of the bible everyday and I couldn’t wear what everyone wore or eat what everyone else ate. I would look at other people in the church and wonder why couldn’t I do certain things that everyone else could. He had to remind me that the bible says “to much is given, much is required” and I am very aware of the blessings and breakthroughs he has provided for me and that they come with a price.
So I began to humble myself and get back into obedience but this was only because all hell on earth had transpired in my life lol. I realized once I began to do what God wanted me to do then everything started to turn around and that he used fiery trials to not only get my attention but to get me back to obedience.
I titled this blog “Have I become a saved hypocrite” because that is exactly what I had become. Of course I have redeemed myself but I needed a little reality check.
Okay this is turning into a book let me get specific before I lose y’all lol. Okay so maybe some of you haven’t read all of my blogs but a while ago I talked about insecure saints and the affects of make up and weave. In a nut shell, when I first got saved I was desperate to hear Gods voice because I was at a very low point in my life. I began to do a forty day fast from secular music, TV, certain foods, all my friends, and even my man (which was legit impossible with my flesh but God came through lol).
I kept praying that God speak to me. That was my prayer every single day. I began reading the bible and studying Jesus and all he did on the earth. He healed the sick, cast out devils, made the lame walk and the dumb speak. What stuck out to me was how he talked about wholeness. It was certain instances where not only he healed people but they had been made whole.
This stuck out to me. I needed healing in all areas but I wanted to be whole.
When you think of wholeness there is no deficient in any area of yourself. I realized from past hurt and pain that I had been extremely insecure about everything about me.
I didn’t like my personality and I hated my physical appearance. I remember crying because I felt unattractive and the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said if you want to be made whole, stop wearing makeup.
Now what im not gone do is repeat my whole blog so you can read that one later lol. But to summarize it all up I stopped wearing it for a couple of months. I felt better about myself…. Slowly. I began getting compliments but I still felt intimidated.
I began being the advocate for not wearing makeup. I would tell people how makeup and weave has insecurities and pride attached to it and we need to be proud in the way God made us.
Then…. I moved to Atlanta. I didn’t wear it for a while but man everybody looks like celebrities here lol. So I started dabbling in it and then I just wore it as if God had never said anything about it. Then I started feeling hideous when I took it off. A few people asked me about it since I wrote a blog about not wearing it and then im doing the polar opposite. I began not feeling pretty enough and it led to problems in my relationship. The insecurities that were attached to my disobedience consumed me as soon as I GAVE IT PERMISSION to. This led to me and my man almost breaking up. He didn’t even do anything and I would send pages of text saying how I was just too insecure to be with anyone. Lol I feel bad now because he would be so confused and try to shower me with compliments but it just wouldn’t work.
I went on a fast from everything to clear my mind and to see what God had to say. He told me I needed to pray, read my bible, fast and stop wearing the makeup and the weave. I did everything except give up the makeup.
So one day I was putting on lashes but it legit didn’t wanna work. Only one was coming on and the other one wouldn’t act right. I was trying to get ready for church and then the Holy Spirit spoke to me. He asked me why am I putting on makeup for church. He also said that in His house it isn’t about me and looking cute; it is about his name being glorified and magnified. He told me not to put on the lashes and it took so long for me to put the other one on. Now meanwhile while the Holy Spirit is speaking to me, im ignoring him trying to out these lashes on (dont judge me just pray for me because we all fall short). Anywho, I got frustrated and said “OH MY GOD CAN I JUST PUT THE LASHES ON????!!!!!!” and then the lash got on immediately.
Now remember yall, I told yall I was getting ready for church. How about it took so long for me to put the lashes on I had missed church. Then later on the night I ripped them off and my lashes were extremely swollen. I was a itchy, Man-less muppet who needed repentance and redemption lol. So I humbled myself and took the makeup off and the weave and haven’t put it on since.
Since then, I have seen a major change in my life. I am starting to like my appearance even more and my boyfriend really makes me feel beautiful without it. I realized I don’t need all that junk to look good and I know that a lot of women in ministry and the church wears it but you know what…. Obedience is better than sacrifice and his sheep knows his voice so if God said dont touch it then I ain’t touching it.
We can’t go by off what we see other leaders do. Who says that aren’t in bondage with insecurity? I’m not saying everyone who wears it is, im just saying if you got a friend who looks good with it on but can’t go to the gas station without it… One word.. BONDAGE.
I don’t know about yall, I know this ain’t a popular topic but I don’t care. I would ask that you all forgive me for being a hypocrite by saying one thing and doing another.
There is more to my rebellion to redemption testimony other than the makeup and weave but this blog will not be any longer lol. I’ll elaborate more in another blog 🙂 Welp my flight is landing so im going to end it here with a prayer

A prayer for wholeness

Father God, Thank you for all you have done for your children. Right now we ask that the Holy Ghost

Comes upon us and that we pray your perfect will.

Jesus we exalt tour name and we thank you for the finish works on the cross. right now we receive

your healing, provision, salvation and wholeness in your mighty name.

For the bible says that your sheep know your voice. so

right now we rebuke any spiritual lameness or dumbness in the name of Jesus and we loose your angels with

messages from heaven to us.

I rebuke any unbelief in my heart in the name of Jesus.

to that leviathan serpent that has bitten me through my disobedience, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus and you no longer

have authority over me and with the blood of Jesus I heal that womb from the bite.

Lord I ask that you speak to me concerning the things I must give up to be made whole.

I rebuke the spirit of perversion trying to distort and compromise what you have placed in my spirit and

I loose clarity and revelation.

I break the covenant between me and disobedience and I ask that you

send a death angel upon my life and anything that is not of God or filled with the Holy Ghost that is in my mind, heart, or spirit, that the death angel kills it like you did in the Passover.

I want a relationship with you Lord God and I thank you for your unconditional love. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

If you guys have any prayer request or concerns you all can contact me at:

Instagram: TheNaturalLadyInSilk

email: Deshawnbrown93@gmail.com

Never Been the Only One

Insecurities and trust issues go hand and hand. They correlate with each other and I am being more and more aware of that each day.
I am being completely transparent today because I feel that it will help someone who is having the same issue as I.
God is slowly but surely healing me and making me whole as we speak but in order for him to do that he is calling out all the hurt in my heart that I have ignored.
I didn’t even know how jacked up I was until he revealed to me my issues via dreams and visions and gave me revelations on why I have them.
I’ve been dealing with a load of insecurity and its to the point where I am actually annoyed. The reason I couldn’t get rid of it is because I wasn’t 100 percent sure of its source.
I can say that a lot of it came from growing up overweight. When people sow seeds of insults all of your life you have no choice but to believe them. It didn’t help that I looked like another ethnicity in my family. It caused confusion and a “why am I here” mentality that has followed me all of my life.
Growing up I didn’t have a dad but I his last name. According to my mom, he passed away before he could sign my birth certificate.
My mom was one who always worked and did other things and I felt like she put a lot of things before me and my sister. This left me very depressed as a child and I felt rejected.
She had been in a few relationships but I always felt a sense of jealously because I thought they got more of her than I ever did.
When I got older I didn’t want to be in relationships because of the ones I seen my mom in. I thought it would be safer to just be alone.
Then I fell in love and was really happy. I thought this boy was gone be my husband and realized that he wasn’t lol. It was the first time in my life that I really let my guard down and I ended up well, I can’t even say cheated on because I wont even label that as a relationship. I don’t know what that was to be honest lol.
Needless to say, this added to the rejection I already felt from my childhood. Then when I turned 21 I finally found out the reason my dad didn’t sign my birth certificate. It was because he never thought I was his.
I guess I was more so mad as to why no one told me until I was 21 that they didn’t claim me. I’d figure why not just tell me the truth and I would’ve preferred to have my mothers maiden name. I came to the realization that my mom probably was trying to protect me from getting hurt but the fact that I found out at such a time really made me it hard for me to trust anyone.
The reason I titled this blog “never been the only one” is because I never have.
I’ve never felt like I was the apple of anyone’s eye because I always felt secondary since childhood.
It is making it hard to trust in the relationship I am in now because of what has been instilled in me since my adolescence.
Now of course I have forgiven everyone who has hurt me but i have never been healed. For example if someone shoots you in the leg you can forgive them in the next five minutes but the wound will still be there until it has healed itself.
It had begun a war in my mind and I have a sense of unworthiness that God is trying to rip out of me.
It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone that you love to the fullest capacity but just can’t trust. This is a major problem because not only do I have this inability to trust in relationships between people but also with God.
Now I know some religious holier than thou folk are probably saying to themselves “just blasphemy” lol but I am being honest. My inability to trust God is because of the reality that I am not used to being someone’s”only one”.
Now I love God, I worship and pray and give God all of me but it is hard for me to trust him. I’ve been having a lot of dreams of God just telling me I need to trust him but for some reason there is a void. I could get about 5 prophecies of the same word and 10 dreams confirming it and still question God’s promises that he has for my life.
I understand that many wont understand this blog but the message I am trying to convey is that if you have any issues trusting anyone than I can guarantee you are going to have problems trusting God. How could Moses part the red sea if he never trusted God to go back to Egypt?
I understand that my “not the only one” mentality is going to get me no where in life. I can’t be happily married with the mindset that I may be cheated on. It makes me out to be a detective instead of enjoying the relationship that God has blessed me with.
It also gives me a spirit of double-mindedness and unstableness when it comes to doing God’s will.
God has given me so many promises and things he wants to do in my life and it has made the process harder than it has to be because my past is stopping me from trusting in him fully.
So now were at the point of the blog where I am supposed to turn it around and give you my testimony. Truth is, I don’t have one yet lol. And you’re probably like well why would you even write this lol. Welp, God wanted me to. This is a demon im still fighting. But I can say I have been doing a lot of prayer and fasting and God got me so delieverance is on its way lol.
If you are dealing with trust issues or insecurities I invite you to say this prayer.

“Father God thank you for all that you have done.
In this season make me whole.
I call out all the hurt, pain, rejection, insecurity, and unworthiness and I bind it in the name of Jesus.
I heal the womb of all my hurt with the blood of Jesus and I forgive everyone who has hurt me.
Father God I submit my heart to you. I submit my trust in you and I thank you for healing me.
I loose revelation and clarity of your love and compassion that you have for me and I bind a spirit of double-mindedness and low self-esteem.
I rebuke all the insults and bad things that have been falsely prophesized over my life and with the authority that Jesus Christ has given me I decree and declare
Joy, peace, a sound mind, confidence, worthiness, and
A pure heart. Open my heart to love wholeheartedly and to forgive and trust.
Make me aware that vengeance is the Lord’s and not mine.
Father God strengthen my relationship with you and fill in the void and emptiness that my past has caused.
In Jesus mighty name I pray, Amen”

Listen, I’m not perfect and I will never be but what I am is always a work in progress allowing God to take me from glory to glory. So if anyone needs advice or prayer or anything, you can contact me at anytime.

Email: Deshawnbrown93@gmail.com
IG: TheLadyInSilk
twitter: TheLadyinSilk
Facebook: Deshawn Dayday Brown

Saved and Suicidal

So by the looks of my other blogs you guys can infer that every blog is Holy Spirit led. I was going to write about something else but he gave me this to elaborate on.
Suicide is often something that comes as a surprise to a lot of people. I myself have had a few friends who have committed suicide and it has left their friends and family shocked but mostly confused.
A lot of times we associate suicide with people who aren’t saved. We say things like “if you commit suicide you are going go to hell” as a way to scare someone out of the thought, but looking at the rates and age ranges of suicide, that threat isn’t being effective.
I titled this blog “saved and suicidal” because there are a lot of people who love God but may find life to be a tad bit unbearable. In the bible, Solomon wrote how he hated life. In the book of Jonah, Jonah said “Therefore now, O LORD, take, I beseech thee, my life from me; for it is better for me to die than to live”
And I would go into detail what happened BUT this blog would be ten pages so just know he repeated himself again in the same chapter by saying “And it came to pass, when the sun did arise, that God prepared a vehement east wind; and the sun beat upon the head of Jonah, that he fainted, and wished in himself to die, and said, It is better for me to die than to live.”
What is interesting about Jonah is that he had a relationship with God and clear communication yet he spoke against his life that God gave him. This is of the enemy. I can GUARANTEE that once you truly follow Christ you will have days that your life will seem unbearable but then God shows up and it turns around. I myself found life to be unbearable at one point. I loved God, I spoke to him, he spoke to me, I went to church, but yet I wanted to die.
It was about two years ago and I was in Tallahassee going to school at the time. I got tired of crying and suffering from the things I was going through so one day I prayed to God and I said “God, if I am ready to go home I pray right now that I die in my sleep”. It was so bad to the point that I would ask questions about suicide in a way that it wouldn’t seem like I wanted to die. I would always day dream of my funeral and wonder would people even care. I know it seems like a bit much but I know that there is someone out there who has or is feeling what I felt. So God heard my prayer and answered it.
That night I went to sleep and had a dream. I was in hospital on a gurney being pushed by someone I couldn’t see. The room was very bright and I could barely open my eyes. The closer I got to the end of the room, the more my heart began to hurt. I got very close and the light was so bright that I could not see. All of a sudden it felt as if I was about to have a heart attack. It was at that point I remembered what I dreamt and I started screaming and saying “okay God!!! I’m not ready!!” All I heard was “okay” and I woke up. Chile when I woke up it felt like ten frogs was in my chest just jumping lol. I was so scared and I woke up with tears in my eyes and a lot of chest pain. Then the holy spirit began to deal with me and make me aware of how selfish that prayer was.
I didn’t think about the people who needed me or the purpose God had for me. I only thought about going home early. At the time I was just beginning ny spiritual walk with God and I didn’t know much of his word. I didn’t know that following  Jesus comes with persecution and long suffering. I didn’t know that we had authority to trample over scorpions so instead they trampled over me. Listen, life may seem unbearable for  a season but trust me if you stay in the word and hear from the Holy Spirit I can guarantee he will give you a peace that passes all understanding. Understand that all the things you go through is for a testimony and that testimony is going to save someone’s life. I know how it feels not to want to live anymore. I don’t judge something I used to be. But I can tell you that suicide or suicidal prayers aren’t the answer. Now I don’t advise you pray like I did and think you are going to receive the same grace. Don’t lay your head talking about “im gone pray to die so I can hear from God and wakeup” because you might just meet him early from being goofy. All I am saying is that I know the race is hard but it will all be worth it. You have purpose and you have to get through the test to get to the testimony.

If anyone needs prayer or someone to talk to, feel free to email me at Deshawnbrown93@gmail.com
Twitter: @DeshawnSBrown
IG: DeshawnSBrown
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The Prophetic

Growing up as a child who barely attended church, I had no idea what really took place in the bible. I knew to say my grace before I ate and I knew that “God didn’t like ugly”.
When I was a little older, I began going to church and actually staying awake the whole service. I would see people catch the holy ghost but to me it was all just crazy shouting and screaming and I often went home petrified. All of the churches I had been to had been pretty routine. They had a set schedule and protocol that all the members met each Sunday. A few song selections, prayer, the preacher preaching a lengthy sermon and then we all got to go home.
I wasn’t saved at the time but I did pray when I wanted something vain. All I knew was that God was the person you ask when you needed to get out of trouble or some money.
Ever since I was a little girl, I had been afraid of the dark. It all began because one night I was sleep and it looked like a witch was over me. I was in elementary and ever since I couldn’t sleep in the dark. I could be in the room with multiple people and still be too afraid. If I did something bad, my mama would have me sleep with the lights off as punishment. It was hell man lol

Even though I wasn’t saved yet, I always found myself fascinated with things such as ghosts, myths and weird stuff that most people would be too scared to look into. I would watch a whole bunch of documentaries on ghosts and psychics. I would watch shows that included people giving their witness to their houses behind haunted. It became a hobby for me. Then at the age of twelve I had a dream one night that I couldn’t explain. I was in my music class and I looked up and I saw a boy named Christian. I kept calling his name and as soon as he was about to speak the dream became black. There were three demon heads that floated around me and they laughed and tormented me.
When I woke up, I couldn’t speak nor could I move for about ten minutes.
I told a couple of people my dream and they made me seem as if I was overreacting. I began to have more dreams with these creatures and waking up paralyzed and it really began to bother me. I felt as if I had no peace. I stopped telling people because people would laugh and make a joke out of the things I felt were taking my peace.
Even though I was having these dreams, I still found myself fascinated with researching psychics, mediums,myths and ghosts. I made no connection of the things I loved to research with them dreams I was having.
I’d say the worst thing that couldve happen to me was YouTube lol. I began to watch way more videos and my fascination grew. Then one night I had a dream that troubled me. I wont elaborate on this one but someone actually spoke to me as if they were in the room telling me to go to a certain place but the voice sounded evil. I was about 14 at the time and ever since then I hated being alone and it would take me a long time to fall asleep.
Now fast forward to college. Now I am 18 and I was sorta on my own I guess. Even though I was happy to get out the house, I felt uneasy everytime it was time to go to sleep. I would feel a sense of fear and anxiety in my room. Then one night I felt my bed moving while i was on it. I kept my eyes closed and i didn’t know what in the world was going on. Once again I tried to confide in people but they made a mockery out of it once again. So I’d just stay at other peoples houses rather than my own so I wouldn’t have to face what was to come.

Once I got saved, I really began reading my bible and going to church. I began fasting and praying for God to speak to me and all of a sudden I started having more dreams. But these dreams were weird. They were vivid and long, and I would write down paragraphs upon paragraphs of things I had no clue about. Then the things I dreamt and the things I wrote from them  would actually happen to people.
Then I would have dreams that I was talking to God. He would say things and I would write them down and they would come to pass. I didn’t take them seriously because I had no idea what was happening to me. The more I read my bible the more I began being fascinated in prophets. I was told that they didn’t exist, even though they are ALL THROUGH THE BIBLE lol.
I started getting close to God and developing an actual relationship with him. He had been giving me new opportunities to break out the religion mindset and into true discipleship.
It was then that I finally began to get my questions answered. I would go to churches that operated in the five fold ministry and they would talk about all the things I had been going through since a little girl. I no longer felt like a freak lol. I still had my doubts but all of a sudden prophets just began to appear in my life. I mean people I had never had a conversation with telling me about my whole life. I was amazed lol.

I realized that the reason I was so fascinated with mystical things was because I was trying to satisfy a spiritual hunger that God had placed in me since I was born. The problem was that I feed my passion with…. Unhealthy food lol. Once I began to feed it with the word of God not only did it grow in accuracy but I began to have peace. It may not mean much to yall, but I got peace at night. The fact I can sleep alone in the dark is a testimony itself lol.
The holy spirit led me to write this blog. I know some will read this and be like O.o lol but that’s fine im used to it. Prophecy is real. I wont even debate about it. God is raising up a people who will speak boldly on his behalf and be willing to be used as vessels to display his power on earth. Many will not be able to relate but I know that somewhere there is a little girl who feels as crazy and jacked up as I did lol.

If you have any questions on anything in this blog or you need advice on something feel free to email me at

DeshawnBrown93@gmail.com

I wish I would’ve waited until I was married

I really contemplated writing this blog but I know that somewhere there is someone trying to overcome the same issue. We have all heard of the phrase “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” but yet we still give our all prematurely. I say prematurely because it is required for us to be submissive, love like Christ loves the church and give our bodies to someone else but if you do these things too early you will find yourself suffering in the end.
I understand the importance of transparency in the body of Christ because we are all more similar than we think. So I decided to be completely transparent in this blog.
Now for the ones who truly know me, they are probably confused right now. When we hear things like “waiting till marriage” we assume that it means to wait to have sex until you are married. This is EXTREMELY TRUE but there are more things than sex that we ought to leave for our marriage.
For the past couple of months, I have found myself with a diamond ring on my left finger but yet I felt empty, lonely, unappreciated and unloved. Now understand that there is a difference between feeling and being. These are the things that I felt.  I told the guy that I was talking to that I had been feeling unloved and he needed to express to me more of his feelings. I got nothing. Now instead of me letting go what needed to be let go I found myself looking real psychotic sending paragraphs of texts, 4:00 a.m. calls pouring my heart out, and child just doing the most.
After all of this, I still got nothing. I found myself crying all alone for hours on end almost everyday for weeks. I had no peace.
For anyone who thinks I am crazy, I don’t blame you lol. But there are many women AND men who find themselves doing exactly what I have done. It is bondage. Love is not supposed to be bondage but if we do things out of God’s order than we find ourselves slipping  into this bondage.
So after feeling tired of being hurt and neglected I begged God to show me why I did not have peace. I had a series of dreams for a couple of weeks that all led to the same conclusion which was to let go.
At this point I was confused because i thought I had done everything the way God had wanted me to do it.  I am a virgin, I go to church, I pray, I seek God, so why did I find myself in this emotional bondage?
I don’t know about y’all but sometimes when God tries to remove things and people out of my life I assume that it is Satan being busy. I swore up and down my dysfunction was the devil trying to steal what God had given me. Instead, it was God trying to show me the error in my ways and reveal to me what I keep doing wrong when it comes to romance.
One night I had a dream. I was sitting on the porch and next door a father was disciplining his son. He had a dog on a leash in this hand and all of a sudden a girl jumped in front of the boy and said “daddy stop!” She ended up getting bit on her arm by the dog and when she got bit MY arm started bleeding even though I was on the porch.
I woke up so confused lol. I had no idea what that dream meant. Later on God had given me revelation of the dream. The father discipling his son represented God and the guy I was dating. I was on the porch because our relationship was long distance. The girl that got in the way represented all the times I poured my heart out trying to fix what God was breaking up. The reason why the girl got bit and I bled is because everytime I tried to go back to what he was trying to end I ended up getting bit because I kept getting in the way.
I knew at this point it was black and white and it was time to let go. I still was being goofy because I kept the ring on my finger. I made excuses like if I take if off someone is going to find it and pawn it or I don’t want people asking me what happen. But I had an important day that meant a lot to me and I didn’t even hear from him until I texted him and I knew that I was completely drained and done lol. So I took the ring off and I never put it back on.
Later on the holy spirit revealed to me that the ring was put on my finger prematurely. He also let me know that I had been trying to be a wife too early and I was out of order. He told me that the bible teaches men how they should love their wives and that anyone who knows the word knows how to love.
The problem is that I had been trying to be a wife too early. I put too much pressure on the man I was dating and I also gave him too much of me. The bible says ” a man that findeth a wife findeth a good thing” but yet I was a wife trying to findeth a husband lol.
Women, please learn from this testimony lol. Let a man find you. When it is God ordained and he is READY he will pursue YOU. Do not try to be the help meet and the head. Let the man do his part. Now if you find yourself in my situation and he is not fulfilling your needs after you have said what you needed a million times then pray for deliverance. You can not I repeat you CAN NOT make a man do anything he does not want to do.
Men, please learn from my testimony. If you find yourself on the other end and you have a woman who seems like she is putting too much pressure on you tell her. If I were you, I’d seek God because you could risk losing someone you really love in the long run. Ask God  to reveal the error in your ways and focus on God.
Somehow I got lost in my ways and I wanted a husband more than I wanted God. This is not the first time this has happened lol but it is the last. I know what READY love doesn’t look like lol so whoever God has for me will not be hard to identify.
I say ready love because just because someone hurt you does not mean they didn’t love you. It was just out of order and God needs to correct it. I’m glad that it took me months to let go because a lot of times we can’t hear the holy spirit and we find ourselves in relationships that God had broken up two or three years ago.

My life is all over the place but it is apart of the “God making me whole process”. Anyone who needs advice or prayer can email me at
DeshawnBrown93@gmail.com

Insecure saints: Is wearing make up a sin?

If you guys don’t know, I am on a no make up no weave journey. It’s really just make-up but I decided to wear my natural hair out as well. I began wearing makeup when I first got to college. I was about 18 at the time. It started off with me wearing lipstick. I liked the compliments I got so I began wearing it every day. It slowly began to become addictive, because I couldn’t leave the house without it. Then all of a sudden I began wearing eye liner. I felt really pretty with it on and people really seemed to love my face when I wore it. So y’all already know I do not know moderation, so just like the lipstick, the eye liner became addictive. So instead of me realizing the problem, I added to it. I started drawing my eye brows on. I realized my eye brows were thick so I tried to trim them but instead I BUTCHERED them. At this point I had no eye brows so I was forced to draw them on. If I spent the night at my friends house, I would wash everything off but the eye brows lol.
So long story short, it had been almost two years that anyone had seen my face completely bare. At this point was self esteem was shot. If I wasn’t wearing makeup I didn’t even want to speak see anyone.
So lately the Holy Spirit had been telling me to stop wearing makeup. I ignored it and for a couple of weeks and I still wore it. But I realized that my low self esteem began consuming me. I would take the makeup off and feel so unattractive. I realized that the makeup became something that I made an idol and completely depended on. The deeper issue was why. I can’t speak for everyone my size, but as for me, I wore the makeup because  for once I felt as if I had a chance that I’ve never had before.
I’ve been pretty over weight for majority of my life. The make up gave me attention that I had never received before. I felt that without it, I wouldn’t stand a chance next to someone smaller than me.
It began being on my mind all the time. It also made it hard to date someone because I couldn’t seem to trust him. It has nothing to do with the guy, he’s awesome, it is because I had no sense of security in myself.
I got tired of feeling like that so I submitted to what God had wanted me to do. So last week Sunday I went to church and it was the first time I had went out in public with no weave or makeup on. It was sad chile. I was so nervous like I was going to preach or something. Someone called me pretty and I was shocked that they even found me pretty without my makeup on.
I realized the mental prison that the makeup had put me in. I also realized that I wore the makeup to pick up the lack in security I had from being the size that I am. So I decided to get the root. So I began praying for deliverance from the tainted mindset I was in, and I am going to lose the weight and the makeup.
It is a process, but I am beginning to like my face without makeup. And I realize I don’t need makeup to get a man or compliments. Any man that God has ordained for me will find me beautiful in whatever state I am in and without any conditions. As far as me losing the weight, that is because in all honesty obesity is not of God. Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins and he is healing me in that aspect.
So I was a little confused to why God had wanted me to stop wearing the makeup. I prayed and I asked him if it was a sin. I didn’t know whether it was a sin or whether it was something I had to let go because it became a god to me. I haven’t read the whole bible so I don’t know if there are more verses and stories about women in the bible who wore make up, but I found some. For example, one day I was reading about a woman named Jezebel in the bible. She was wicked and did evil things and a man by the name of Jehu came to kill her. So when she found out, she “painted her face”. I found it interesting that they would note that. It’s in 2 Kings 9:30
“30 And when Jehu was come to Jezreel, Jezebel heard of it; and she painted her face, and tired her head, and looked out at a window ”
Now using my discernment I honestly don’t think it is wise to follow the ways of someone evil in the bible. The book of revelations talks about the jezebel spirit. So based off common sense it is just not wise to do something that someone wicked in the bible has done.
Make-up isn’t natural. If it was, then we wouldn’t need it. Now when I look at old pictures with all that makeup caked on I noticed that I resembled a baby doll instead of looking human. I see a rise of everyone wearing makeup and I also see a decline of women who have self value and realization of their worth. It is taking a lot of me to adjust to letting make-up go but God’s grace is sufficient.

If anyone needs prayer or advice you can email me at DeshawnBrown93@gmail.com
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Insecure Saints: Is abortion child sacrifice?

So before I even begin to elaborate on this issue, let me start by saying that this was written out of a place of love and obedience. This topic is very controversial and debatable but the God I serve is more important to me than my adversary or anyone who disagrees with this blog.
When this was first placed in my spirit to write about, I was a little hesitant because of how much abortion is being practiced not only in this country, but by many of my friends and family. But hey, call a spade a spade. The truth is the truth and tough love is needed sometimes.
So I guess by the tone of this disclaimer you could already discern what my view on abortion is lol, but I’m going to back it up with some bible so y’all don’t think I’m trying to make anyone feel any less of themselves.

Another disclaimer for y’all boys lol: I am not writing this to condemn anyone. Understand that there is a difference between condemnation and conviction. If you feel convicted or guilty from this blog all you have to do is repent and make an effort to never do it again. We all have our vices, so do I and I have to repent for something like every five minutes lol God  is working on me.

Okay so I have been led to read books from the old testament for some reason. Chile the old testament had it going on. But anywho, I’m now reading the book of Ezekiel. Basically, Ezekiel was a prophet that was sent to tell the people all what was going to happen to them because they had not turned from their wicked ways. Now this blog is not about the book of Ezekiel, but something stuck out to me.
It was Ezekiel 16:20-21
“20 Moreover thou hast taken thy sons and thy daughters, whom thou hast borne unto me, and these hast thou sacrificed unto them to be devoured. Is this of thy whoredoms a small matter, 21 That thou hast slain my children, and delivered them to cause them to pass through the fire for them”
In a nut shell this is exposing one of the many abominations that the people of Jerusalem had committed which was child sacrifice. Now I am going to connect it to abortion.

Okay so abortion is the act of killing an unborn child. We have to look at why one would choose to have an abortion and that is because they have idolized something or someone in their life.
For example, If you idolize  men and make them your God, you will do everything a man asks you to do so that he stays. Instead of trusting God to provide you a man, you idolize the men and trust their methods and your works instead of God’s. Now this man that you done broke all the commandments for got you pregnant. He says that he will only stay if you get rid of the child. So you have the abortion and you haven’t realized that you’ve made that man your god and you have sacrificed your child for him.
Some people idolize the sex itself. They make sex their god. Instead of relying on God to give them joy they use sex as a way to escape all the hell in their lives. They become completely dependent on it for happiness, love, and money. Now, you’ve gotten pregnant. You know that if you keep the child, it will become more difficult to maintain your sex life.
Now you have have gotten an abortion and use birth control so that you will kill your seed without the guilt.

I know that was a lot for some of you to take in but the good news is that Jesus has made it available for our sins to be forgiven. If you have done this, repent and understand that God loves you and your seed. If you are thinking about aborting your child, please don’t. Your child may have a great calling on their life and God will give you the grace you need to take care of your child if you ask him to. I know this wont get a lot of praise or likes but if this just reaches one person and opens their eyes then I will be satisfied.

If you have any questions or need prayer for anything you can email me at Deshawnbrown93@Gmail.com

Am I going to Heaven or Hell?

Have you ever heard someone ask if you died today, would you go to heaven or hell? What would your answer be? For awhile I honestly did not have a clue myself.
Before I begin to elaborate on my journey to salvation, let me begin by saying that joining  membership of a church by walking down an aisle is NOT receiving the eternal gift of life. You can be saved anywhere to be honest. Receiving salvation is more than just deciding to join the church one Sunday. It is something that you actually say AND believe in your heart.
It is in the bible in Romans 10:9-10
“9 That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. 10 For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. ”

When I was on my way to hell

I know the subtitle sounds a bit irrational, but it really is the truth. For the first 21 years of my life that is where I was going to go. I joined the church at 16 but I was not saved until 21. I was even baptized at 16 but I wasn’t saved. Now I know it is confusing for some of you reading this, but hear me out.
Okay so understand that according to Romans 10:9-10 in order to receive salvation we must do TWO things. We must CONFESS with our mouth the Lord Jesus and BELIEVE in thine heart and we shall be saved.
For my whole life I only did step one. I prayed to Jesus, I sang about Jesus, I even talked about Jesus, but I did not believe in my heart.
I was blessed enough to enquire my salvation and have God answer me before it was too late.
The evidence of my unbelief was the fact that I was not sure if I was going to Heaven or Hell. I did not have any clue on what grace was and although I had the knowledge that Jesus forgives our sins, I just didn’t believe that mine were forgiven.
I would always wonder if I was going to Heaven or Hell.
It bothered me so much that one night I prayed to God and I asked could he show me whether I was on my way to Heaven or Hell.
Keep in mind my prayer was driven by a misunderstanding of Gods grace, my unbelief, and what Jesus had done for us.
So that night I had a dream. I got shot and it seemed as if I “fell asleep” when in actuality I died in my dream. Once I died, I was transferred to a house with dim lighting. There were fire torches on the wall and I was laying on the floor. I saw three figures (I doubted they were human) dressed in all black robes come toward me. They grabbed my arms and I began to sink underground. It was that moment I knew that I was going to hell. I cried to God and said “why is this happening???” And I heard a voice say “you did not do enough”. I woke up real scared Chile, but it was not a nightmare but an answer to my prayers.
Redirection

At the time I had the dream, I was enrolled in college and I was indulging in drinking, smoking and just plain foolishness to be honest. I thought that stopping those things would get me in to Heaven so I stopped smoking and drinking. I thought I was on the ball. Till one night I had yet another dream. This time I died again, (God knows how to get my attention lol) and I was in clouds. The clouds were pink, purple, and  white. I was soaring toward what looked like a beautiful gold gate. Right before I got to the gate, something dark pulled me down and I woke up. So now I’m just TOO confused. I mean, I thought I was a good person, I stopped smoking, drinking, I prayed, so what am I missing now??!?!?! I figured it was my use of profanity lol, so I stopped cussing and I decided that I needed to get active in church.

So now I’m all “holy and sanctified”, or at least that is what I thought. Let me tell yall how I had ANOTHER dream. This time I was in a Chrysler 300, and I drove past an intersection and someone crashed the car while I was in it. All of a sudden, something light had my right hand, and something dark had my left. They were at a tug-o-war and I woke up before I could see who had won.
Now at this point God was screaming at me the answer and I was still slow. I didn’t get the full revelation of that dream until a minister interpreted it for me. Basically the tug-o-war represented the fight for my soul between God and Satan. I took me a couple of months of fasting and prayer and one day I received  salvation by watching a program on TBN. Thank you Jesus for TBN lol.

The reason I wasn’t saved was because I thought my works could get me there. Works are the things that we do. I thought that giving up all of those things would get me into heaven instead of believing that Jesus died for my sins. It says it in the bible in Ephesians 2:8-9 “8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: 9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.”

Now understand grace is not the justification to sin, but to get to Heaven. Sin is just nasty and wrong and it is something that we should stay away from. But because Jesus died for our sins, we have the ability to go to heaven. I know it sounds too good to be true but that is the loving God that we serve. The fact that he loved me enough to make sure I received salvation is enough for me to give him glory for the rest of my life.

If anyone needs prayer or advice you can email me at
DeshawnBrown93@gmail.com