Its been a long time since I’ve posted a blog. Since the last time I was here I got engaged AND called it off. I titled this blog single and not ready to mingle because I reflects the stage I’m in.
Usually when relationships end, people always ask what happened and usually depending on how unhealed we are we will give them details instead of the root issue. For instance we say things like he/she cheated on me or he/she didn’t have time for me.
When the engagement was over that was me. I was giving details with a hint of discretion to keep integrity but it was still details none the less. I didn’t realize that those issues we faced in our relationship were rooted in both of us trying to love without being healed.
I’ll make it plan with a parable, say for instance someone has the flu…. If they really love their child, are they going to interact with the child knowing that they could possibly make the child sick too? No. They will wait until they are healed and healthy and then begin to proceed.
What I realized from our relationship ending is the diagnosis of my soul. My years were filled with pain and abandonment that I could not fathom someone loving me so I settled for whatever treatment seemed to be decent.
At the same time, I did not trust anyone. Which led to me unable to give someone my all in a relationship because they had to deal with my paranoia and my toxic imagination.
When I called the engagement off I had never felt so empty in my life. I was so disappointed in myself and shut down from everyone. I have friends who love me dearly but for some reason I refuse to call just because I don’t want to bother them with my issues but God has been convincing me on isolating myself.
I wake up in the morning to pray and I find myself checking old emails and messages to see if ill find something new but nothing ever shows up. Then I repent to God for paying attention to a man rather than paying attention to him in prayer.
I have my days where I cry myself to sleep and ask God to have mercy just to get me through the day.
To many of you might say I am “talking too much” or “putting my business out there” but the bible says that we over come by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. If the church was as transparent as the world can be maybe we would have more conversion.
Because while I am crying at 5 am, I am pleading the blood of Jesus to crucify my mindset. While I am on social media, I am asking God to make my soul loathe idolization.
While I am depressed and mourning I know it is because an alter is being torn down and that the suffering is the Lord putting a distaste in my mouth for an ungodly mindset.
Every tear I cry and every affliction I feel is prayers that are being answered. I asked the Lord to take away the unholy thing from my mind and this is what I have to go through to be whole.
For the bible says, MANY are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord God DELIVERTH him out of ALL.
I got myself in this pit from taking my mind off God and focusing too much on a man. God rather chastens me on earth than to hear my soul cry from the pit of hell when its too late.
My mindset was demonic and as much pain as my former fiance inflicted on me I did the same to him.
Our relationship used to be Christ centered and then it became us centered and our vocabulary and actions became unholy before God.
This process is not easy. I have days where I have to turn my plate down, pray and beg God to hold me. The is what deliverance looks like and this is why it is imperative you never let hurt, pain, or pleasure take your eyes off God.
I loved my former fiance so much but because I chose not to fully commune with God first I didn’t receive the healing that needed to take place for the relationship to be as impactful as it should have been.
When we were casually dating, we would pray and praise God on the phone for hours, read our word, was strict on affection and then it went left.
Im in a great place of reflection. Im seeing exactly where the enemy came in and I am keen to his tactics.
Now when I think of my ex its not from a standpoint that I am desperate for him to love me.
In prayer I renounced the oath he is my husband and soul mate (because you can’t make oaths like that while casually dating its dangerous) and I ALSO broke oaths he has said out of his mouth saying that im the only woman he wants to marry.
Some of yall probably read that like huh? O.o but the reason I broke those oaths is because as much as I want to be free and healed I want him free and healed too. That would be so selfish of me to pray him out of my system and not pray me out of his. Even though I am breaking our soul tie I still genuinely love him as a person and I know he deserves to be as happy as I desire to be.
Bottom line is, keep God first.
When you look at me, you’re looking at a crucified woman lol.
IF the Lord EVER permits me to be in a romantic covenant again im going to be SOOOOOO careful lol. This process hurts y’all. But God is being glorified while im crucified.
A prayer for restoration
Lord I thank you for your word.
I thank you for the ability to be able to pray
I thank you for the standard you have called your children to live by
Lord, I ask that you charge your angels upon me
The angels that we have access to because we have joint inheritance with you according to your world
Lord God I ask that your sovereign heavenly will be performed in my life.
I plead the blood of Jesus to flood my ears and my mouth and to enter my heart and soul as it drowns the ungodly heart that is not of you.
I loose the hold of satanic thinking and relationships from being yoked around my neck in the name of Jesus.
I bind the revelation and discipline of Jesus Christ in EVERY area of my mind in the name of Jesus
I rebuke Idolatry, I rebuke lust, I rebuke depression and I bind your works in Jesus name
As you all are binded I take back the spoil of consecration, I take back the spoil of a promise of Godly marriages I take back the spoil of Good heath and I cast you in to a dry place that you enter no more in the name of Jesus
I decree and declare I am whole
I decree and declare I am free
I decree and declare the blood of Jesus has redeemed me
I decree and declare I am loved
I decree and declare I am trust worthy
I decree and declare I TRUST
And I thalnk you Lord for your redemption power being made manifest in EVERY AREA of my life,
Any specific prayer requests or questions email me at