I really contemplated writing this blog but I know that somewhere there is someone trying to overcome the same issue. We have all heard of the phrase “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” but yet we still give our all prematurely. I say prematurely because it is required for us to be submissive, love like Christ loves the church and give our bodies to someone else but if you do these things too early you will find yourself suffering in the end.
I understand the importance of transparency in the body of Christ because we are all more similar than we think. So I decided to be completely transparent in this blog.
Now for the ones who truly know me, they are probably confused right now. When we hear things like “waiting till marriage” we assume that it means to wait to have sex until you are married. This is EXTREMELY TRUE but there are more things than sex that we ought to leave for our marriage.
For the past couple of months, I have found myself with a diamond ring on my left finger but yet I felt empty, lonely, unappreciated and unloved. Now understand that there is a difference between feeling and being. These are the things that I felt. I told the guy that I was talking to that I had been feeling unloved and he needed to express to me more of his feelings. I got nothing. Now instead of me letting go what needed to be let go I found myself looking real psychotic sending paragraphs of texts, 4:00 a.m. calls pouring my heart out, and child just doing the most.
After all of this, I still got nothing. I found myself crying all alone for hours on end almost everyday for weeks. I had no peace.
For anyone who thinks I am crazy, I don’t blame you lol. But there are many women AND men who find themselves doing exactly what I have done. It is bondage. Love is not supposed to be bondage but if we do things out of God’s order than we find ourselves slipping into this bondage.
So after feeling tired of being hurt and neglected I begged God to show me why I did not have peace. I had a series of dreams for a couple of weeks that all led to the same conclusion which was to let go.
At this point I was confused because i thought I had done everything the way God had wanted me to do it. I am a virgin, I go to church, I pray, I seek God, so why did I find myself in this emotional bondage?
I don’t know about y’all but sometimes when God tries to remove things and people out of my life I assume that it is Satan being busy. I swore up and down my dysfunction was the devil trying to steal what God had given me. Instead, it was God trying to show me the error in my ways and reveal to me what I keep doing wrong when it comes to romance.
One night I had a dream. I was sitting on the porch and next door a father was disciplining his son. He had a dog on a leash in this hand and all of a sudden a girl jumped in front of the boy and said “daddy stop!” She ended up getting bit on her arm by the dog and when she got bit MY arm started bleeding even though I was on the porch.
I woke up so confused lol. I had no idea what that dream meant. Later on God had given me revelation of the dream. The father discipling his son represented God and the guy I was dating. I was on the porch because our relationship was long distance. The girl that got in the way represented all the times I poured my heart out trying to fix what God was breaking up. The reason why the girl got bit and I bled is because everytime I tried to go back to what he was trying to end I ended up getting bit because I kept getting in the way.
I knew at this point it was black and white and it was time to let go. I still was being goofy because I kept the ring on my finger. I made excuses like if I take if off someone is going to find it and pawn it or I don’t want people asking me what happen. But I had an important day that meant a lot to me and I didn’t even hear from him until I texted him and I knew that I was completely drained and done lol. So I took the ring off and I never put it back on.
Later on the holy spirit revealed to me that the ring was put on my finger prematurely. He also let me know that I had been trying to be a wife too early and I was out of order. He told me that the bible teaches men how they should love their wives and that anyone who knows the word knows how to love.
The problem is that I had been trying to be a wife too early. I put too much pressure on the man I was dating and I also gave him too much of me. The bible says ” a man that findeth a wife findeth a good thing” but yet I was a wife trying to findeth a husband lol.
Women, please learn from this testimony lol. Let a man find you. When it is God ordained and he is READY he will pursue YOU. Do not try to be the help meet and the head. Let the man do his part. Now if you find yourself in my situation and he is not fulfilling your needs after you have said what you needed a million times then pray for deliverance. You can not I repeat you CAN NOT make a man do anything he does not want to do.
Men, please learn from my testimony. If you find yourself on the other end and you have a woman who seems like she is putting too much pressure on you tell her. If I were you, I’d seek God because you could risk losing someone you really love in the long run. Ask God to reveal the error in your ways and focus on God.
Somehow I got lost in my ways and I wanted a husband more than I wanted God. This is not the first time this has happened lol but it is the last. I know what READY love doesn’t look like lol so whoever God has for me will not be hard to identify.
I say ready love because just because someone hurt you does not mean they didn’t love you. It was just out of order and God needs to correct it. I’m glad that it took me months to let go because a lot of times we can’t hear the holy spirit and we find ourselves in relationships that God had broken up two or three years ago.
My life is all over the place but it is apart of the “God making me whole process”. Anyone who needs advice or prayer can email me at