Insecurities and trust issues go hand and hand. They correlate with each other and I am being more and more aware of that each day.
I am being completely transparent today because I feel that it will help someone who is having the same issue as I.
God is slowly but surely healing me and making me whole as we speak but in order for him to do that he is calling out all the hurt in my heart that I have ignored.
I didn’t even know how jacked up I was until he revealed to me my issues via dreams and visions and gave me revelations on why I have them.
I’ve been dealing with a load of insecurity and its to the point where I am actually annoyed. The reason I couldn’t get rid of it is because I wasn’t 100 percent sure of its source.
I can say that a lot of it came from growing up overweight. When people sow seeds of insults all of your life you have no choice but to believe them. It didn’t help that I looked like another ethnicity in my family. It caused confusion and a “why am I here” mentality that has followed me all of my life.
Growing up I didn’t have a dad but I his last name. According to my mom, he passed away before he could sign my birth certificate.
My mom was one who always worked and did other things and I felt like she put a lot of things before me and my sister. This left me very depressed as a child and I felt rejected.
She had been in a few relationships but I always felt a sense of jealously because I thought they got more of her than I ever did.
When I got older I didn’t want to be in relationships because of the ones I seen my mom in. I thought it would be safer to just be alone.
Then I fell in love and was really happy. I thought this boy was gone be my husband and realized that he wasn’t lol. It was the first time in my life that I really let my guard down and I ended up well, I can’t even say cheated on because I wont even label that as a relationship. I don’t know what that was to be honest lol.
Needless to say, this added to the rejection I already felt from my childhood. Then when I turned 21 I finally found out the reason my dad didn’t sign my birth certificate. It was because he never thought I was his.
I guess I was more so mad as to why no one told me until I was 21 that they didn’t claim me. I’d figure why not just tell me the truth and I would’ve preferred to have my mothers maiden name. I came to the realization that my mom probably was trying to protect me from getting hurt but the fact that I found out at such a time really made me it hard for me to trust anyone.
The reason I titled this blog “never been the only one” is because I never have.
I’ve never felt like I was the apple of anyone’s eye because I always felt secondary since childhood.
It is making it hard to trust in the relationship I am in now because of what has been instilled in me since my adolescence.
Now of course I have forgiven everyone who has hurt me but i have never been healed. For example if someone shoots you in the leg you can forgive them in the next five minutes but the wound will still be there until it has healed itself.
It had begun a war in my mind and I have a sense of unworthiness that God is trying to rip out of me.
It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone that you love to the fullest capacity but just can’t trust. This is a major problem because not only do I have this inability to trust in relationships between people but also with God.
Now I know some religious holier than thou folk are probably saying to themselves “just blasphemy” lol but I am being honest. My inability to trust God is because of the reality that I am not used to being someone’s”only one”.
Now I love God, I worship and pray and give God all of me but it is hard for me to trust him. I’ve been having a lot of dreams of God just telling me I need to trust him but for some reason there is a void. I could get about 5 prophecies of the same word and 10 dreams confirming it and still question God’s promises that he has for my life.
I understand that many wont understand this blog but the message I am trying to convey is that if you have any issues trusting anyone than I can guarantee you are going to have problems trusting God. How could Moses part the red sea if he never trusted God to go back to Egypt?
I understand that my “not the only one” mentality is going to get me no where in life. I can’t be happily married with the mindset that I may be cheated on. It makes me out to be a detective instead of enjoying the relationship that God has blessed me with.
It also gives me a spirit of double-mindedness and unstableness when it comes to doing God’s will.
God has given me so many promises and things he wants to do in my life and it has made the process harder than it has to be because my past is stopping me from trusting in him fully.
So now were at the point of the blog where I am supposed to turn it around and give you my testimony. Truth is, I don’t have one yet lol. And you’re probably like well why would you even write this lol. Welp, God wanted me to. This is a demon im still fighting. But I can say I have been doing a lot of prayer and fasting and God got me so delieverance is on its way lol.
If you are dealing with trust issues or insecurities I invite you to say this prayer.
“Father God thank you for all that you have done.
In this season make me whole.
I call out all the hurt, pain, rejection, insecurity, and unworthiness and I bind it in the name of Jesus.
I heal the womb of all my hurt with the blood of Jesus and I forgive everyone who has hurt me.
Father God I submit my heart to you. I submit my trust in you and I thank you for healing me.
I loose revelation and clarity of your love and compassion that you have for me and I bind a spirit of double-mindedness and low self-esteem.
I rebuke all the insults and bad things that have been falsely prophesized over my life and with the authority that Jesus Christ has given me I decree and declare
Joy, peace, a sound mind, confidence, worthiness, and
A pure heart. Open my heart to love wholeheartedly and to forgive and trust.
Make me aware that vengeance is the Lord’s and not mine.
Father God strengthen my relationship with you and fill in the void and emptiness that my past has caused.
In Jesus mighty name I pray, Amen”
Listen, I’m not perfect and I will never be but what I am is always a work in progress allowing God to take me from glory to glory. So if anyone needs advice or prayer or anything, you can contact me at anytime.
Facebook: Deshawn Dayday Brown