I wish I would’ve waited until I was married

I really contemplated writing this blog but I know that somewhere there is someone trying to overcome the same issue. We have all heard of the phrase “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” but yet we still give our all prematurely. I say prematurely because it is required for us to be submissive, love like Christ loves the church and give our bodies to someone else but if you do these things too early you will find yourself suffering in the end.
I understand the importance of transparency in the body of Christ because we are all more similar than we think. So I decided to be completely transparent in this blog.
Now for the ones who truly know me, they are probably confused right now. When we hear things like “waiting till marriage” we assume that it means to wait to have sex until you are married. This is EXTREMELY TRUE but there are more things than sex that we ought to leave for our marriage.
For the past couple of months, I have found myself with a diamond ring on my left finger but yet I felt empty, lonely, unappreciated and unloved. Now understand that there is a difference between feeling and being. These are the things that I felt.  I told the guy that I was talking to that I had been feeling unloved and he needed to express to me more of his feelings. I got nothing. Now instead of me letting go what needed to be let go I found myself looking real psychotic sending paragraphs of texts, 4:00 a.m. calls pouring my heart out, and child just doing the most.
After all of this, I still got nothing. I found myself crying all alone for hours on end almost everyday for weeks. I had no peace.
For anyone who thinks I am crazy, I don’t blame you lol. But there are many women AND men who find themselves doing exactly what I have done. It is bondage. Love is not supposed to be bondage but if we do things out of God’s order than we find ourselves slipping  into this bondage.
So after feeling tired of being hurt and neglected I begged God to show me why I did not have peace. I had a series of dreams for a couple of weeks that all led to the same conclusion which was to let go.
At this point I was confused because i thought I had done everything the way God had wanted me to do it.  I am a virgin, I go to church, I pray, I seek God, so why did I find myself in this emotional bondage?
I don’t know about y’all but sometimes when God tries to remove things and people out of my life I assume that it is Satan being busy. I swore up and down my dysfunction was the devil trying to steal what God had given me. Instead, it was God trying to show me the error in my ways and reveal to me what I keep doing wrong when it comes to romance.
One night I had a dream. I was sitting on the porch and next door a father was disciplining his son. He had a dog on a leash in this hand and all of a sudden a girl jumped in front of the boy and said “daddy stop!” She ended up getting bit on her arm by the dog and when she got bit MY arm started bleeding even though I was on the porch.
I woke up so confused lol. I had no idea what that dream meant. Later on God had given me revelation of the dream. The father discipling his son represented God and the guy I was dating. I was on the porch because our relationship was long distance. The girl that got in the way represented all the times I poured my heart out trying to fix what God was breaking up. The reason why the girl got bit and I bled is because everytime I tried to go back to what he was trying to end I ended up getting bit because I kept getting in the way.
I knew at this point it was black and white and it was time to let go. I still was being goofy because I kept the ring on my finger. I made excuses like if I take if off someone is going to find it and pawn it or I don’t want people asking me what happen. But I had an important day that meant a lot to me and I didn’t even hear from him until I texted him and I knew that I was completely drained and done lol. So I took the ring off and I never put it back on.
Later on the holy spirit revealed to me that the ring was put on my finger prematurely. He also let me know that I had been trying to be a wife too early and I was out of order. He told me that the bible teaches men how they should love their wives and that anyone who knows the word knows how to love.
The problem is that I had been trying to be a wife too early. I put too much pressure on the man I was dating and I also gave him too much of me. The bible says ” a man that findeth a wife findeth a good thing” but yet I was a wife trying to findeth a husband lol.
Women, please learn from this testimony lol. Let a man find you. When it is God ordained and he is READY he will pursue YOU. Do not try to be the help meet and the head. Let the man do his part. Now if you find yourself in my situation and he is not fulfilling your needs after you have said what you needed a million times then pray for deliverance. You can not I repeat you CAN NOT make a man do anything he does not want to do.
Men, please learn from my testimony. If you find yourself on the other end and you have a woman who seems like she is putting too much pressure on you tell her. If I were you, I’d seek God because you could risk losing someone you really love in the long run. Ask God  to reveal the error in your ways and focus on God.
Somehow I got lost in my ways and I wanted a husband more than I wanted God. This is not the first time this has happened lol but it is the last. I know what READY love doesn’t look like lol so whoever God has for me will not be hard to identify.
I say ready love because just because someone hurt you does not mean they didn’t love you. It was just out of order and God needs to correct it. I’m glad that it took me months to let go because a lot of times we can’t hear the holy spirit and we find ourselves in relationships that God had broken up two or three years ago.

My life is all over the place but it is apart of the “God making me whole process”. Anyone who needs advice or prayer can email me at
DeshawnBrown93@gmail.com

Insecure saints: Is wearing make up a sin?

If you guys don’t know, I am on a no make up no weave journey. It’s really just make-up but I decided to wear my natural hair out as well. I began wearing makeup when I first got to college. I was about 18 at the time. It started off with me wearing lipstick. I liked the compliments I got so I began wearing it every day. It slowly began to become addictive, because I couldn’t leave the house without it. Then all of a sudden I began wearing eye liner. I felt really pretty with it on and people really seemed to love my face when I wore it. So y’all already know I do not know moderation, so just like the lipstick, the eye liner became addictive. So instead of me realizing the problem, I added to it. I started drawing my eye brows on. I realized my eye brows were thick so I tried to trim them but instead I BUTCHERED them. At this point I had no eye brows so I was forced to draw them on. If I spent the night at my friends house, I would wash everything off but the eye brows lol.
So long story short, it had been almost two years that anyone had seen my face completely bare. At this point was self esteem was shot. If I wasn’t wearing makeup I didn’t even want to speak see anyone.
So lately the Holy Spirit had been telling me to stop wearing makeup. I ignored it and for a couple of weeks and I still wore it. But I realized that my low self esteem began consuming me. I would take the makeup off and feel so unattractive. I realized that the makeup became something that I made an idol and completely depended on. The deeper issue was why. I can’t speak for everyone my size, but as for me, I wore the makeup because  for once I felt as if I had a chance that I’ve never had before.
I’ve been pretty over weight for majority of my life. The make up gave me attention that I had never received before. I felt that without it, I wouldn’t stand a chance next to someone smaller than me.
It began being on my mind all the time. It also made it hard to date someone because I couldn’t seem to trust him. It has nothing to do with the guy, he’s awesome, it is because I had no sense of security in myself.
I got tired of feeling like that so I submitted to what God had wanted me to do. So last week Sunday I went to church and it was the first time I had went out in public with no weave or makeup on. It was sad chile. I was so nervous like I was going to preach or something. Someone called me pretty and I was shocked that they even found me pretty without my makeup on.
I realized the mental prison that the makeup had put me in. I also realized that I wore the makeup to pick up the lack in security I had from being the size that I am. So I decided to get the root. So I began praying for deliverance from the tainted mindset I was in, and I am going to lose the weight and the makeup.
It is a process, but I am beginning to like my face without makeup. And I realize I don’t need makeup to get a man or compliments. Any man that God has ordained for me will find me beautiful in whatever state I am in and without any conditions. As far as me losing the weight, that is because in all honesty obesity is not of God. Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins and he is healing me in that aspect.
So I was a little confused to why God had wanted me to stop wearing the makeup. I prayed and I asked him if it was a sin. I didn’t know whether it was a sin or whether it was something I had to let go because it became a god to me. I haven’t read the whole bible so I don’t know if there are more verses and stories about women in the bible who wore make up, but I found some. For example, one day I was reading about a woman named Jezebel in the bible. She was wicked and did evil things and a man by the name of Jehu came to kill her. So when she found out, she “painted her face”. I found it interesting that they would note that. It’s in 2 Kings 9:30
“30 And when Jehu was come to Jezreel, Jezebel heard of it; and she painted her face, and tired her head, and looked out at a window ”
Now using my discernment I honestly don’t think it is wise to follow the ways of someone evil in the bible. The book of revelations talks about the jezebel spirit. So based off common sense it is just not wise to do something that someone wicked in the bible has done.
Make-up isn’t natural. If it was, then we wouldn’t need it. Now when I look at old pictures with all that makeup caked on I noticed that I resembled a baby doll instead of looking human. I see a rise of everyone wearing makeup and I also see a decline of women who have self value and realization of their worth. It is taking a lot of me to adjust to letting make-up go but God’s grace is sufficient.

If anyone needs prayer or advice you can email me at DeshawnBrown93@gmail.com
Instagram: Deshawnshanice
Twitter: Daydaythemogul

Insecure Saints: Is abortion child sacrifice?

So before I even begin to elaborate on this issue, let me start by saying that this was written out of a place of love and obedience. This topic is very controversial and debatable but the God I serve is more important to me than my adversary or anyone who disagrees with this blog.
When this was first placed in my spirit to write about, I was a little hesitant because of how much abortion is being practiced not only in this country, but by many of my friends and family. But hey, call a spade a spade. The truth is the truth and tough love is needed sometimes.
So I guess by the tone of this disclaimer you could already discern what my view on abortion is lol, but I’m going to back it up with some bible so y’all don’t think I’m trying to make anyone feel any less of themselves.

Another disclaimer for y’all boys lol: I am not writing this to condemn anyone. Understand that there is a difference between condemnation and conviction. If you feel convicted or guilty from this blog all you have to do is repent and make an effort to never do it again. We all have our vices, so do I and I have to repent for something like every five minutes lol God  is working on me.

Okay so I have been led to read books from the old testament for some reason. Chile the old testament had it going on. But anywho, I’m now reading the book of Ezekiel. Basically, Ezekiel was a prophet that was sent to tell the people all what was going to happen to them because they had not turned from their wicked ways. Now this blog is not about the book of Ezekiel, but something stuck out to me.
It was Ezekiel 16:20-21
“20 Moreover thou hast taken thy sons and thy daughters, whom thou hast borne unto me, and these hast thou sacrificed unto them to be devoured. Is this of thy whoredoms a small matter, 21 That thou hast slain my children, and delivered them to cause them to pass through the fire for them”
In a nut shell this is exposing one of the many abominations that the people of Jerusalem had committed which was child sacrifice. Now I am going to connect it to abortion.

Okay so abortion is the act of killing an unborn child. We have to look at why one would choose to have an abortion and that is because they have idolized something or someone in their life.
For example, If you idolize  men and make them your God, you will do everything a man asks you to do so that he stays. Instead of trusting God to provide you a man, you idolize the men and trust their methods and your works instead of God’s. Now this man that you done broke all the commandments for got you pregnant. He says that he will only stay if you get rid of the child. So you have the abortion and you haven’t realized that you’ve made that man your god and you have sacrificed your child for him.
Some people idolize the sex itself. They make sex their god. Instead of relying on God to give them joy they use sex as a way to escape all the hell in their lives. They become completely dependent on it for happiness, love, and money. Now, you’ve gotten pregnant. You know that if you keep the child, it will become more difficult to maintain your sex life.
Now you have have gotten an abortion and use birth control so that you will kill your seed without the guilt.

I know that was a lot for some of you to take in but the good news is that Jesus has made it available for our sins to be forgiven. If you have done this, repent and understand that God loves you and your seed. If you are thinking about aborting your child, please don’t. Your child may have a great calling on their life and God will give you the grace you need to take care of your child if you ask him to. I know this wont get a lot of praise or likes but if this just reaches one person and opens their eyes then I will be satisfied.

If you have any questions or need prayer for anything you can email me at Deshawnbrown93@Gmail.com

The Wilderness

They say once we are saved we are to be Christ like. We are supposed to think about how we treat people and how we respond to not only temptation but tribulation.

I used to think that the hardest task as a disciple was giving up sin but it isn’t. In my opinion, the hardest thing to do is love like God loves. It is consuming to love those who use and abuse you. Friends who you constantly think about whose mind you dont even cross. 

Everyday I am reminded of the valley I am in. I know that these times of tribulation are temporary. I understand who my real friends are now, and who are seasons. I understand peoples motives and their ulterior motives. In this, I also understand that I cannot allow them to anger me, but instead provoke me to pray for them and to forgive.

I am not the only child of God going through this. It is to my understanding that every TRUE child of God has either been through, going through, or about to enter their time of wilderness. Stay strong my brothers and sisters, stay strong. 

Can I keep the memories? (poem)

This is an emergency.
Your face is what my eyes can’t see.
I need you to be here with me….
I’m reading scriptures, im praying,
You’re on my mind, but its fading.
My worst fear is waking up to nothing
Cause I can’t remember anything.

So I get down on my knees
I cry out to the lord while im praying
Can I keep the memories?
Can I keep the memories?
Forgetting is easy, remembering is hard me.
To be absent from the body is present with the lord,
I know that but its hard to ignore,
The fact that each day goes by
I’m forgetting no matter hard I try.

I know you were amazing,
I know that you loved me.
I know no matter how crazy,
 you kept the family.
You provided for me and it made me cry,
Everytime, because for me you sacrificed.

 and now all that’s left…
Is some pictures on a shelf.
And the faith that I keep..
Knowing one day you’ll see me.
Again… In brighter way
Again… Trust me when I say
Again… Because Jesus died for my sins..
So we win.

But for now,
When the sun goes down,
And the happy facade fades away
I’ll use my imagination to temporarily numb my pain.

I’ll get down on my knees
I’ll cry out to the lord while im praying
Can I keep the memories?
Can I keep the memories?
Please let me keep the memories.
That’s all I have left.

Living With a Demonic Force

Although I am very honest and open, believe it or not I am very selective on what I choose to talk about.

I prefer talking about the things I’ve overcome rather than what I’m going through now, but due to the seriousness of this ongoing battle I feel the need to share this situation.

We always talk about supernatural blessings and angels watching over us, but we rarely speak about supernatural storms and demons working against us.

You know when you have a testimony so big, that you know it wasn’t anyone but the Lord? Well, sometimes the environment or the people around us can make us so miserable that it is nothing but the devil.

I’m what you would call a “new saint”. I wasn’t raised in the church, and I’m slowly learning how to properly use the power that God has given me.

 

Living with a Demonic Force

Not everyone can relate to this post, but many can. It is nothing worse than to have no peace in your home. The world outside your front door doesn’t make it any easier, you realize you don’t have peace anywhere.

I have felt this way my whole life until I got seriously saved. I realized that church is where I got my peace. Being back in Miami to these problems are consuming, but when I am in the sanctuary I feel at home.

Although church is where I get my sanity, the majority of my time is spent home, in the midst of some kind of demonic force. I had an epiphany today and I realize what I have to do to spiritually defeat this.  

I don’t go in to depth about any of this with my friends because this is a battle only the lord can fight. If you are dealing with a spirit if dysfunction, domestic violence, child abuse, rape, etc I’m going to tell you what you need to do.

Let GOD handle it

If you are living with a demonic force of some type of physical harm be smart about your defense mechanism. Yes I do believe in the notion “no weapon formed against me shall prosper” but that is not justification for you to be mighty mouse and end up getting knocked out.  

Allow God to have this battle because he can do way more than you can. Go somewhere safe, get on your knees, and pray. Then get your bible and read psalm 55, 56, and most importantly psalm 60.

Understand that the greater the valley the greater the testimony. Also understand that all great things take time. Your breakthrough may not be tomorrow, or the next day, but keep believing in God and he will use this storm for your good.

 

Genesis 50:20 New International Version (NIV)

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

Oh how I love that scripture… It gets me through and I hope it encourages anyone who needs it. If anyone needs prayer I’ll be more than happy to pray for them. If you dont want to let me know on here, you can let me know via email at DeshawnBrown93@Gmail.com

My Buddy in Christ

I won’t disclose a name but the person who this is for will know this is for him when he reads it lol. He’s pretty selfish so he wanted me to write a blog about him so I said okay jk lol.

It’s hard to live right and to fight temptation on your own, for me, almost impossible. We kind of got serious about being saved at the same time and it opened my eyes to a lot. One day I was just thinking and I was like “wow, we’ve both changed ALOT”.

If you are saved and you want to change your life and live for Christ I encourage you to not only influence as many as you can, but to also have a buddy system. I’ll refer to him as my buddy.

I don’t think people realize the impact on their lives that one can actually have. I could go on for days for all the mental barriers he’s helped me out of. I’ve never told him all the things he’s done for me and I won’t go in detail on here because its personal, but just know he’s helped me get out of the worst kinds of mindsets.

I’m going through a lot of stress in my life and having him to talk to makes me look forward to waking up in the morning. I’ve never been so open to anyone in my life, it’s kind of scary. That type of open where you’re not even sure how they perceive you anymore. For once I can finally be vulnerable without having second thoughts about it.

I’m a sap and a tad bit dramatic, but I am also honest. Lately I’ve been feeling like my soul is tied to him, its weird. Like, if I’m sleep I’ll wakeup right before he texts me lol, or he’s constantly in my dreams in some shape or form.

He makes me really happy despite the hell in my environment. If one day we parted our ways in life, I’d still think of him in my dementia. I’d probably have flashbacks in my final days demanding my grandchildren to find him lol. Hopefully that’s never the case, but if it is I would still wish him the best of life God could possibly bless someone with. Life would really suck without him though.

Lately I’ve been trying this whole love without conviction thing out. I really love him, and ya know, if it isn’t returned or unequalled well it’s just another thing i can pray out of.

I’m living for once, living honest, with my heart on my sleeve. Loving people to the point where it probably scares them lol. All I know is, if i died tomorrow, the people that matter most wouldn’t have to question anything because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I won’t have it any other way. (: 

The College Dropout

I’ve always loathed school. I remember the first time I started making excuses not to go to class. It was fifth grade, I would sell snacks on behalf of the Spanish club during math class. Yep, order of operations was too uninteresting and challenging for my taste, so the majority of the year I was doing something else.

Don’t get me wrong, I was pretty good in school. I was in the math club but I got kicked out because I had “too much mouth”, whatever. Anywho, I’m the type to that hated school and I never thought I belonged there.

You all can tell by my grammar errors and incorrect spelling that school is just not my forte, but I don’t believe I am alone. See the problem in society is that your intelligence is based off one type of system; education. Is the individual that can ace all math tests but cannot dance considered stupid? No. So why should someone skilled in dancing but doesn’t know math well be forced to take remedial classes?

For the longest I’ve always believed that I was stupid. I believed that there wasn’t anything for me out in the world because I wasn’t capable to be great.

It’s Not About What You Know, It’s WHO You Know

 

 High School was very scary for me. Not only was I advancing in a education system that I was not confident in, but I was entering a special school. I hated the inner city environment I was raised in, so I didn’t want to go to my assigned home school. Instead, I applied for a trade school where you can get your high school diploma and a certification in a certain field. 

High School was okay I guess, until senior year, that is. When I tell y’all they must’ve recruited these teachers from Harvard I ain’t lying. I had this one English teacher by the name of Mr.Gross who gave so much work it made me mad. His class for some reason was hard for me. Three days before high school graduation, they told me I wasn’t graduating.

Y’all know what’s worse than disappointing a mother? Disappointing a black mama in the hood. It’s something about black inner city mothers that every emotion turns into anger. I knew that if had I told her I wasn’t graduating, I would’ve had two black eyes and been in a wheelchair. So I didn’t tell anyone lol.

I got desperate, so instead of sitting in the front of the class giving academics my all, I figured I’d try the “work smart, not hard” approach. I ended up persuading them to allow me to graduate and I got a C in the class. Of course I didn’t do this alone, I prayed and had faith that despite my circumstances I’d graduate from high school. So they told me I would graduate high school they day before graduation. Whew, saved my neck and my back from severe pain lol.

College -_-

College for me was like “okay, lets make your life a living hell,  this is going to be the most heartbreak and death you’ve ever experienced and we want you to study 100 terms each night and NO EXCUSES… Have fun!”. I hated school and it was impossible to pass my classes on my own lol. My first two years I had some ghetto grades man, I mean for some reason school felt impossible to me.

 I was on academic probation two out of the three years I’ve been in college. Academic probation/GPA requirement is like going to prison and you’re out, but you can’t find a job. I mean I would go to soooo many interest meetings and just walk out as soon as they said GPA requirement. I felt like a convicted felon man.

Then all of a sudden, my grades had gotten way better, and my GPA boosted so much because I had a different game plan. I knew this was a time I had to work smart. So, I became my professors friend. It’s been classes I failed every test but have passed only because I made myself known in the class #network lol. Then it’s been times I’ve given a class my all and failed. So which route you think I’m going take?

Now I’m not saying give your teacher dap and not show up to class, but what I am saying is that they’ll try to help you if they know you. Give it your all, but also build a relationship with your professors. Brown nose, laugh at their corny jokes, stay after class, ask a question and tell them to have a nice day.

The Dropout lol

Now I know you all are probably saying to yourselves, “Unt un, why she giving me advice and she dropped out!”. Well, the reason I dropped out was financial and if I was to elaborate you’d be reading this all day lol. When I first realized I had to dropout I was heart broken. I wanted to graduate to make my family proud of me. Then I realized that nothing will make my family more proud than to succeed. You don’t need a degree to succeed, you just need faith and a great work ethic.

I’m in a weird stage of my life… The post “real world after college stage”. What is the weirdest part is that I don’t actually have a degree. That is okay though, I’ve been through way too much not to be someone. Through everything, God has given me hope and sanity.

Maybe I’ll become a pastor lol jk..well I don’t know. I haven’t gotten down the praise break yet. Whatever I’ll be, I’ll be good at it. I will make my family proud. I will make money for me, my kids, my man, and my tithes. #thatisall.

 

 

 

 

okay before I go, lately I have been using hashtags in my conversations. Is that annoying to y’all? If it is, I’ll stop #rightnow lol. I don’t know, I think it’s cool. Oh well, bye I guess lol.

 

The gift of Unconditional Love

Its always that one friend out the group who has the hardest time getting over someone. I mean seriously, some people know their guy\girl is a nasty ole dog and they love them anyway. It’s to the point that you don’t even take them seriously. “Chile, I left him. I know my worth. Girl I got somebody else” as you roll your eyes because you don’t believe them. Dont take their ability to love as weakness, it actually a gift. They may just be abusing it by letting the wrong kind have it.

 

I realized that the ability to love selflessly and unconditionally is not a weakness.

The ability to do these things are rare in the world we live in today, and should be embraced. Even if your powers are used against you (which will probably happen), it won’t defeat you. If anything, it will make you stronger. So love… Love hard. And if you are done unjustly God will handle it.

But wait, there’s more!

 Learn how to control your gift. Loving unconditionally is not something everyone can do. It is so rare that I consider it God given. Even though it is a God given gift, you have to control it.
Although Mike Tyson has the gift to fight, do you see him knocking out everyone who gets on his nerves? No. Want to know why? Because he has control.
He needs control because if he gave a piece of his gift to everyone, there would be consequences. He is selective in his gift giving, and knows only to use it when it will benefit him.
Apply that to your gift to unconditionally love. If you fall in love and love unconditionally, please do not give your gift to too many. Understand that you have to be selective because some people you love will not benefit you.
Love someone who needs it, love someone who makes you better, love someone who loves God, or who wants to love God. Better someone, but make sure they better you.
Please, if you know you have this gift dont   try to be a player because it will blow up in your face. You’ll be confused, you’ll confuse others, you’ll feel conviction from your multiple people love lol I dont know if that makes sense, but whatever.
Now listen, I am not a love guru, I’m simply talking about what I have felt and what I feel and how I deal with it.
I talk about love so much because… Well… I’m one of those unconditional love type of people. I am learning how to be selective, which is why I’m always alone lol but my solitude has purpose.
I’m character building, so that when the true love and I mean true love, not that baby “talking for ten years” stage everyone is doing, blossoms, I will have longevity and prosperity.
So, if you’re in love or you are just like me remember to be selective, careful, and think highly of your ability to love like God  does.